Kaelah's Corner (Apr 2010): I Don't Want To Get Hurt

(Not a picture to show your vanilla friends?)

Last month Kaelah's Corner was about the question whether to tell vanilla friends about one's kink. I told you that I'm usually very open about my kinky life and have talked to many friends about my journey. But of course there are also some friends who don't know, either because they aren't that close or because they might be irritated being confronted with my rather uncommon sexual preference. As I also wrote last month, today my urge of sharing my kinky journey with my vanilla friends has become less strong, since I now have Ludwig, some kinky friends and still some close vanilla friends to talk to.

But a bit less than one year ago, when I was just about starting to write my first blog post, that was still different. And so, my enthusiasm for my kinky journey and my usual openness got me into real trouble one day. Actually, it was the first time (and the last one so far) Ludwig was very angry at me. Which finally led to my first (kind of) domestic discipline spanking. So, what had happened?

There was a party at my place involving about twenty friends of mine. Ludwig had met some of them before, with others it was the first encounter that day. The situation wasn't too easy for him, given how strictly he separates his kinky from his vanilla life, knowing that some of the people knew exactly how we met while others just knew something about common interests and internet chats. But the party went well and I was happy to see Ludwig getting along fine with my friends.

Two of the party guests were Eileen and Neil, a sweet and very open vanilla couple, with whom we had done my first-ever private sexy photo shoot a few days earlier [note from Ludwig: Eileen and Neil are not into BDSM, but I'd say that they are comfortably beyond vanilla!]. We had taken hundreds of pictures, among them the ones Ludwig and I later used for the Where No Man Has Spanked Before post. When I had looked at the results, it had been the first time in my life when I felt like an attractive woman. So, I was very eager to show the pictures to some other friends whom I had told about the shoot. Suddenly I had the "great" idea that I could quickly show them the photos on my computer, which was in another room, so none of the other party guests would notice. So, the tragedy took its course...

When I asked those I had in mind for my photo presentation whether they wanted to see the pictures, others heard it. "Oh, you've made nice photos? Can we see them, too?" they asked. I knew that Eileen and Neil probably wouldn't have a problem with showing the photos to others. I talked to them and they said it was okay. They're not kinky, so their pictures were sexy and involved some fetish props, but I didn't associate them with spanking. Unfortunately, I forgot about two things: First of all, we hadn't only shot pictures of Eileen and me. Ludwig was on some of the photos, too. Secondly, Ludwig's and my pictures weren't only about sexy dresses. Some of them showed explicit spanking scenes! But in the enthusiasm of the moment, I had forgotten about those. So I agreed, glad to get the chance to show the "innocent" sexy pictures I was so proud of to even more people.

Within a few seconds the story about the photos spread among all the guests and suddenly twenty people were following me to my computer. Ludwig sat in the party room, completely stunned. On our way to the computer, Eileen asked me whether it was okay with Ludwig that I showed the pictures. I, still not seeing the trouble I was about to get myself (and, even more importantly, Ludwig) in, answered with a smile: "Well, at least we don't show one of his videos." Again, I must have spoken quite loud, because one of the guests following us turned around and asked Ludwig: "What kind of videos is she talking about?"

Everyone who knows Ludwig and his paranoia concerning the separation of his kinky and his vanilla life a bit can easily imagine the state of mind he was in by now! Today, we can both laugh about it, but at the time he was equally stunned and outraged. It took him a few moments to overcome the first shock and to follow us.

Meanwhile, I was sitting in front of the computer, surrounded by curious party guests, trying to open the folder containing the pictures. Some of my friends, who knew what kind of photos I was about to show, had also realised the possible threat by now. They tried to stop me by asking whether I was really sure I wanted to show such "personal" pictures to all of the guests. Still I didn't see any problem with my guests seeing photos of me dressed up in sexy clothes. Then Ludwig entered the room, not saying a word. But I immediately realised that he was incredibly angry. I was shocked by the intensity of the anger I sensed. It took me a few more seconds until, while still trying to open the folder with the pictures, I began to see the danger. But how could I get out of that situation?

Fortunately, my old computer rescued me. It simply needed incredibly long to open the folder which, as I already mentioned, contained hundreds of pictures. I used the time to tell the people around me I had just realised that some of the pictures might be a bit too explicit and that there were too many of them, anyway. I asked them to leave me alone for a few minutes, so that I could prepare a slide show for them containing a few different good photos.

When the guests where gone, Ludwig sat next to me, still very quiet. "You are very angry, aren't you?" I asked him. "I just wanted to show them the pictures I'm so proud of. Okay, some of them are fetish photos and the people might also realise that they've got something to do with spanking. But, you know, most of them know about it, anyway. And I'm not ashamed of my kink. Don't you want me to show those sexy pictures of me to my friends?" "They are our pictures. We've made them together. And you've just passed me over", Ludwig answered. "And do you really think it is a good idea to show explicit spanking photos to all of the guests, even to those who aren't such close friends of yours? Are you absolutely sure they wouldn't gossip about it? Are you sure all of them could deal with it?"

I wasn't. Only then did I realise that many of the pictures showed Ludwig and me and that this wasn't only about me, it was about us. I wasn't used to the fact that my decisions now also affected my partner, and I was suddenly very sorry for having passed Ludwig over. Moreover, I was very sad that one of my rare attempts to be more spontaneous and not to miss out on all the fun by planning too much turned out to be that stupid!

[Note from Ludwig: I was 99% sure that all of the party guests were okay, that there wouldn't be any negative repercussions down the road from any of them, even the more puritan ones. Of course, in my philosophy, 1% of remaining doubt still means that it is better not to show the pictures, period. Beyond that, I was angry about the fact that my consent hadn't been asked for, that I was passed over. That hurt.]

I selected some of Eileen's and some of my pictures, sexy ones, but none containing any spanking props. Then I called the guests and showed them the slide show. I think they liked the photos, but found them quite harmless and not worth the chaos. It didn't matter too much to me in that situation, anyway. I just wanted Ludwig to forgive me, to take me into his arms and to tell me that he still loved me. Sweet Neil suggested that Eileen and he could take care of my guests, so that Ludwig and I could use the time for some "reconciliation sex". That sounded good, but I knew it wouldn't work. I had to wait until after the party.

So, I sat next to Ludwig, hoping for his anger to fade. He behaved quite normally, chatting with the guests, and no one would have suspected that anything was amiss. But I could sense how outraged he still was under the surface, and it hurt me and made me feel very insecure and afraid. One by one the guests left. Finally the party was over and Ludwig and I were alone.

It was late and we went to bed. But I couldn't go to sleep like that. I'm of the opinion that one should never go to sleep with an unsolved quarrel with one's mate. One never knows, maybe one of the partners doesn't wake up the next morning, and the one left behind has to live with that situation for the rest of his/her life. I told Ludwig about it and that I felt his anger and that I was very sorry. I said I never meant to hurt him, that I had just been happy about the pictures and wanted to be a bit spontaneous and to share a part of my new life I was so happy about with my friends. Ludwig reassured me that he still loved me. He didn't want to be unfair because of the anger still boiling inside him and told me he just needed some time to calm down. So, we went to sleep.

The next day I had an emergency in my family. Ludwig was at my side and we had a busy day. Then, in the evening, we cuddled on the bed and talked through the events of the day before. Ludwig explained to me that he had been angry for two reasons: First of all, I hadn't asked him whether it was okay to show our pictures to the party guests. Secondly, and even worse from his point of view, I nearly got myself into trouble with my spontaneous idea. I told him how sorry I was and that I didn't want to hurt him. And Ludwig reassured me that his anger had already faded and that his love for me was as strong as ever.

After everything was cleared up verbally I was a bit unsure what to do. As I wrote in my Anderswelt post, I'm absolutely not into domestic discipline. On the other hand, since we are a kinky couple and since Ludwig likes to connect kinky play to real life events, not using the events for a spanking scene seemed somehow wrong. Ludwig showed a great sense for what I needed by asking me what I thought would be a proper "punishment". (I'm using the quotation marks because for me, despite of the real life background, we're not talking about a real punishment but about kinky play.)

[Note from Ludwig: I'm not into domestic discipline, either, but indeed, this was too good to pass up. Also, from what I remember, it was you who suggested that you should get spanked for what happened at the party. I didn't insist on it.]

The number forty occurred on my mind. Everything less seemed ridiculous, everything more seemed impossible to take. "There have been two misconducts", I finally said, "and there were twenty people involved. Two multiplied with twenty is forty. So, I think it should be forty strokes." Ludwig agreed and started to think about which implement he should use. Two implements seemed to fit: The cane and the dreaded flogger that hurts very much but doesn't produce a lot of marks. Since I had an appointment with my dermatologist only a few days later Ludwig thought about delaying the "punishment" spanking until after that. But I desperately wanted to get that spanking out of the way and asked him to get over with it right now. Ludwig agreed and decided to give me twenty strokes with each of the implements in question.

Before we got up Ludwig told me: "I somehow would prefer to just cuddle with you right now, you know." This reassured me that Ludwig still loved me and cared for me. Nevertheless I was really scared when I prepared myself for the spanking. Ludwig usually spanks quite hard, anyway. How bad must it be now that I really had done something that made him feel upset? Would I be able to deal with it, given that real background?

We went to a room in which we had never played before and Ludwig told me to strip. I did as I was told and soon stood there completely nude. Ludwig ordered me to take a position in front of him, bent over, hands on the seat of a sofa. He started with the flogger. Twenty strokes for passing him over. The strokes were hard but bearable. Then came the cane and the twenty strokes for getting myself into trouble, the offence that was even worse from Ludwig's point of view. Between the strokes Ludwig constantly talked to me, telling me that he wanted to protect me and that I should be more careful and think twice the next time. The constant verbal contact meant a lot to me and reassured me that Ludwig was very much concerned about my well-being. The way Ludwig enforced the "punishment" made me feel very safe and cared for.

At one point Ludwig asked me whether I thought that the spanking would help me to remember to be more careful in the future. I honestly replied I didn't believe that a spanking worked for me that way, but that it was the talking that was essential for me. After fourteen cane strokes (again hard, but not over the top) Ludwig told me that he had taken everything into consideration that spoke for a not so hard spanking - the stress I had had, the emergency in my family, the appointment with the dermatologist etc. But the last six strokes would be severe in the hope to remind me to think twice the next time, even if that wasn't something I considered a spanking to be good for. And he wanted me to count them. Again, I obediently followed the instructions. The last six strokes were really harder than the previous ones, but still bearable. When it was over, Ludwig sat down on the sofa and I laid down next to him, the upper part of my body resting on his knees. He held me and petted me and I was very grateful that the "punishment" was over and that Ludwig knew so well what worked for me.

I'm still not into real life domestic discipline. As an adult and a self-reliant woman I neither seek/need someone to educate and control me, nor do I think that getting spanked for misconducts is the right way of seriously dealing with them. Concerning my mistake, talking it through and apologizing for me is the adult way of handling that. That's why I could only do that "punishment" spanking scene after Ludwig had already told me that he had forgiven me and that he still loved me. Because then it wasn't a serious way of making up for my mistake, instead I saw it as the kinky equivalent of "reconciliation sex". It was the final step of our reconciliation process, it showed me how much Ludwig cared for me and my obedience showed him how sorry I was. And it was also the proof that everything between Ludwig and me was okay and normal again.

There might not be a big difference between our scene and the way others live real life domestic discipline. But I think the way I see it and feel about it is a bit different. That way "punishment" sessions and "domestic discipline" really work for me - and I'm very glad to have a partner who has a similar point of view and instinctively knew how to treat me in that special situation when I felt very vulnerable!