Kaelah's Corner (Dec 2010): Curse My Name

I've written this post yesterday afternoon. Meanwhile I have thought about simply deleting it because it is quite personal and was written in a very sad and shaky mood. But Ludwig is of the opinion that I shouldn't throw it into the bin. I already see a few things a bit different by now, so I've finally decided to publish yesterday's post, but with some little changes which are highlighted in italic. So, here we go:

Actually today's post should have been the second part of the account of my first topping experience. However, it isn't. Because I'm not in the right mood. I'm sitting here in front of the computer, my fingers are cold and there are still dry tears on my face. No, I haven't been spanked! The reason for my disturbance is Sacher-Masoch.

That guy is in my life for only three days now, but I already hate him. Ludwig started reading „Venus in Furs“ to me and I realised from the very beginning that everything in me struggled against having to listen to that story. We only made it to page 58 of 141 pages and listening to that first part of the novella already cost me a hell lot of energy. Today Ludwig wanted to read the next section and I completely shut down. So he gave up and decided to leave me alone for a while.

I tried to understand why the book is so horrible for me. First of all, it's about kink, a topic that touches me personally. Then, when I'm read the story by Ludwig I can't „escape“. There's no reading faster when the story is disturbing me, no quick breaks when it's getting too much. But what's so bad about the story? I think it's the characters and how they treat each other. Right from the beginning it becomes clear that the relationship between Severin and Wanda, the two main characters, must have ended in a disaster. He is alone, he has written down their story and he is of the opinion that one must treat women hard and disrespectful in order not to lose their respect. One can only be hammer or anvil. It's a point of view that makes me very sad. As does the whole story.

Severin wants to live at the mercy of a cruel woman and pushes Wanda, who dearly loves him, into that role. Obviously he regrets that later. I don't know why, but I feel awfully sorry for the characters and having to watch them walking into their doom is almost unbearable for me. Obviously I don't have any protection mechanism that allows me to only be an observer. I can't stop thinking of what experiencing a situation like that would mean to me. It makes me think about my kink and how I don't want my kinky life to be. And it makes me feel like this story represents a form of kinky life which I neither want to experience nor want to be confronted with (especially if I can't do anything to change the protagonists' minds). I get completely overwhelmed and all I want to do is run away.

The same thing happens to me from time to time in the online spanking community as well. Reading too much about master-slave relationships, dark scenarios and severe beatings suddenly makes me panic and want to stop reading about kink at all. I can't just look at these things from an outside perspective. I always ask myself what they mean for me, why I am different and whether that makes me less brave or less desirable. Especially when I read about concepts I can't understand, but which are interesting for Ludwig. That gives me the feeling I'm not good enough for him, not open enough, not tough enough.

A few days ago, Ludwig saw a picture from one of the Headmaster's study films on another blog. Instantly he began to smile. „That whipping bench is really fantastic. The girls look extremely beautiful on it, especially when they throw their heads back during the canings. It would be great to have a similar bench.“ My stomach churned. I know that Ludwig wants a bench like this. I don't. The reason is simple: I wouldn't be able to see it as our bench, it would always be the Lupus-like bench and therefore it would always be connected with those good-looking brave girls who filmed with them. In other words, it would be nothing else but a reminder of my limits, my struggles with the concept of severe play and my resulting insufficiency. How could I ever enjoy erotic play with that bench?

At the same time these thoughts make me angry as well. Because the rational part of me knows that I don't have to feel insufficient at all. While Ludwig and I have common interests and opinions, we have different tastes and preferences at times as well. Accepting and loving each other the way we are is part of the challenge of a relationship. Either it works or the relationship won't survive. But being different and not being able to share every single fantasy with one's partner definitely isn't a reason for feeling bad.

Well, I guess that's just how it is. Concepts which I don't understand tend to scare me. Of course I can deal rationally with that fear most of the time. But sometimes, like today, it's getting too much. Then I have to protect myself by shutting down because I can't protect myself when being confronted with these things.

But honestly, I don't really want to be different. Having better protection mechanisms would be great sometimes. But then I wouldn't be the person that I am, would I? And luckily I have strategies that help me when I'm feeling overwhelmed. One is talking to friends or writing blog posts and asking the readers whether they have made similar experiences. Another one is listening to music that helps me to release my fear and anger. The most fantastic song I've recently discovered is from one of my favourite bands, Blind Guardian. It's called Curse My Name. Listening to it helps me to sort out my mind and to release agressions at the same time. Unfortunately there is no evil king whom I could hunt down in order to feel better. Because the reason why I'm uncomfortable lies within me. As for Sacher-Masoch, he might have enjoyed the process of being hunted down, anyway...

Well, but I feel that writing this post already made me a lot calmer and happier. Maybe I'll even manage to read the rest of that damn story! I guess reading it myself would be easier than being read the story because it allows me to walk the way into damnation with the protagonists faster by going into turbo speed reading mode.

And as long as Ludwig is able to deal with my strange reactions from time to time and I can love each other despite of our differences, as long as I don't lose my friends and as long as there are good songs to listen to, there is nothing I can't sort out and nothing I have to worry about for the upcoming year. Thanks for reading this rather unusual post, thanks for all your comments and the new insights you gave me in 2010 and a Happy New Year to all of you!

Update: Of course I've read the whole novella tonight and I'm feeling much better today. Sacher-Masoch's final conclusion at the end of the story is even quite nice, although I don't fully agree with him. After having finished the novella I have been able to sort everything out, to find out what I like or don't like about the story and what it tells me about my kink. My standpoint is clear and solid again and I was reminded of a few things by the story. I think I'll write a bit more about it in a follow-up post next year. Take care and see you all in 2011!

Kaelah's Technical Corner: How to Download Our Video Clip

Hi folks, don't worry, this is not today's Kaelah's Corner. That one will be released tonight. Thank you to everyone who downloaded Ludwig's and my first video. It seems that some of you had the one or other problem with the downloads and preparations, though. Well, at least that shows that our readers aren't a bunch of ruthless file sharers. Because those guys wouldn't have had any problems with making the videos run.

Ludwig will create a new version of the clip with integrated subtitles to make it a bit easier for you. But that'll take a while. Since I want everyone to have the chance to watch the clip right now and since you can use the knowledge about how to watch a video that's split into several .rar files for other videos as well, I decided to post a step by step instruction manual. If you still have any problems, please post them in the comment section and Ludwig and I will try to help you out. This way we might be able to create a little FAQ section that might help others as well. So, here we go: 

1. Downloading the .rar package(s): 

There are two versions of the clip, a high and a low quality version. In both cases, the main clip, the outtakes clip and their subtitles are packed into .rar files (similar to .zip packages). The high quality version of the clip is so big that Ludwig had to split it into two .rar files. But careful, this doesn't mean that the first package contains part one and the second package part two of the video! You need both packages in order to use them at all and then you'll be able to unpack the four files I've mentioned above. 

Downloading the files might take a while. You can do it in the background while working at your computer. If you haven't got much time, I recommend the low quality version, because you only have to download one package. Click on the link to the package which you want to download. Rapidshare is a file-hoster and Ludwig uploaded our video files to their server. The download doesn't start automatically. You have to click on the “Slow Download” button on the right side, as shown in the picture.

Then a countdown will start (Rapidshare loves to keep their free account customers waiting). 

After that countdown you can click the “Download now!” button on the right and the download process begins. Chose the “Save File” option in order to save the package on your computer. 

In case of the high quality version you have to repeat the procedure with the second package. Again, Rapidshare loves to drive the customers who don't pay for their services mad by only allowing them to download a second file after between 15 and 50 minutes of waiting. A countdown will show you how long you have to wait.

At the end of this process you should have downloaded one (low quality version) or two (high quality version) .rar files to your computer. Make sure that they are in the same folder.

2. Installing WinRAR:

WinRAR is a program that allows you to open .rar packages and to extract the files from them. It's a shareware program which means that you can download a trial version of the software without having to pay anything for it and use it for free for 40 days. Click on this  link and then on the blue download button on the right.

To choose the program version for your download click on the big blue button on the top of the page. It should show the correct language and bit version (fitting to your operating system). If not, you can select the right version from the list below.

Hit the “Download Now” button on the right and the download starts.

After the download is completed, you'll find a file called “wrarxxxx.exe” in the download folder on your computer. Start the installation of WinRAR by double-clicking on the file and follow the instructions of the installation manager.

Now you can open your .rar packages. Double-click on one of them and WinRAR will open. It should show you four files: The .wmv video file with the main clip, a second .wmv file with the bloopers and two .srt files that contain the subtitles and must be named exactly like the video file which they belong to. Click on the “Extract” button and save the four files into a folder of your choice.

The subtitles must be in the same folder as the video files, otherwise they won't work.

3. Installing the VLC Media Player:

The VLC Media Player is a freeware program which means that you can use its full version without having to pay for it. And unlike certain versions of the Windows Media Player it doesn't have any problems with displaying subtitles. Click on this link in order to download the VLC Player. Then hit the “Download VLC” button and chose the “Save File” option.

After the download is completed, you'll find a file called “vlc-1.1.5-winxx.exe” in the download folder on your computer. Start the installation of the VLC Media Player by double-clicking on the file and follow the instructions of the installation manager.

Now everything should be ready! Just open the VLC Player and then open the video file from the menu: File - Open File. You can also open the video by right-klicking  on the file, choosing the "Open With" option and selecting the VLC Player from the list. The video should start to play and the subtitles should be shown as well without any further actions being required. You can turn the subtitles on and off in the "Video" menu.

I hope this little manual is helpful! Please let me know if you still have any problems. A member of our technical support staff will come back to you and help you as soon as possible! :-)

Enter the Dachshund

Hi folks, it's me, Kaelah. Merry Christmas to all those among you who celebrate this day and happy holidays to everyone! I'm flattered to tell you that Santa Ludwig made it just in time [Ludwig: for the Anglosaxon Christmas day at least!] and thus we have a very special and personal present for you, our dear readers. Last year our gifts were my first full nudity photo and the story about our first play. This year's gift makes me even more excited and quite honestly a bit nervous as well. Again it's a first – Ludwig's and my very first spanking clip together!

We already shot the clip about 1 ½ years ago, but didn't manage to edit it, yet. Which isn't that much of a surprise, given how busy we were and that the post-production required at least a full week of work. We had shot more than 4 hours of footage. Without the professional editing software which I bought recently, it would have taken even longer to edit the clip with all the pieced-together conversations, the different camera angles which had to be synchronised, and so on. And of course the result was supposed to be as perfect as possible. During the last couple of days Ludwig worked night shifts in front of my computer and now the post production is finally done. I think he did an amazing job!

All I did was try not to drive him mad with my comments. After all, you can't do all of the editing together, one person has to be in charge for the final composition of the clip. But of course I had remarks and ideas and told Ludwig about them (I wrote something about “trying” not to drive him mad, you see).

At least Ludwig was not as close to insanity as he was when we shot the clip, especially when we re-shot the action scene. Yes, I wrote RE-shot! When we looked at the footage after our first try, Ludwig and I both weren't totally happy with the result. Ludwig wanted to improve the camera angles. I wasn't happy with the perspectives, either, and even more importantly, I wasn't happy with my looks! So we decided to re-shoot the action scene some weeks later, when the marks from our first try had faded.

This time we chose the perspectives even more carefully and setting up the cameras took even longer. I nearly drove Ludwig mad because I wanted a rather unusual close-up bottom perspective filmed from above, which was quite difficult to manage, and Ludwig thought that it might look rather stupid. It's the last bottom camera angle during the spanking. Isn't it cute? At least Ludwig agreed with me about that point afterwards. But what really brought him close to insanity was the fact that I insisted on using a mirror. I pointed out to him that only simple geometry was needed to make one camera catch the desired reflection in the mirror without the second camera being in the picture. Okay, it's not that simple... But frankly, what is a debut video without a mirror?

Oh, before anyone gets that wrong: we had a lot of fun, too. Really! You can see it in the bonus clip which contains some outtakes from the shoot. Insisting on a bloopers video is the thing I drove Ludwig crazy with during the last stages of the post-production process, by the way. So, I hope you'll enjoy the video and the bloopers as well! If you do and if you want to make Ludwig and especially me (since this is my first-ever clip) a very much appreciated Christmas present, please leave a little comment. Of course, constructive criticism is welcome as well!

- Kaelah

And now over to Ludwig for all the technical details...

Hello friends, Ludwig here. Merry Christmas from me the agnostic as well, and I hope that you like our gift. It certainly was a lot of work. Personally, I think it is my best free video yet in terms of overall composition and editing.

Inside the .zip package, you will find the main video, a smaller blooper video, and subtitle (.srt) files for each. Most common media players should be able to play .srt subtitles, there are guides on the web for this. I strongly recommend that you use VLC Media Player, because it is one of the best free players, anyway, and because it should display the subtitles without any additional tinkering. Just make sure that the .wmv video file and the .srt subtitle file of the same name are in the same folder, use VLC Player to watch the video, and the subtitles should show up.

If an unexpected number of people have problems with this, I will make a video where the subtitles are simply rendered into the picture (as in The German Lesson). But for now, I wanted to give you separate files so that you can enable / disable them. That is what I would prefer as a viewer. The subtitles are necessary because, obviously, almost all of the conversation in the video is in German. Kaelah's English is very good, too, so in theory, we could have done the whole thing in English. But because this is a clip that just shows us as ourselves, as a couple, we decided to do it in German. It is more natural and unforced. Sorry if it inconveniences the foreign cinema haters among you, but... It's your own fault if you are such cultural philistines!

I suspect that many regular Spanking Tube viewers would not like the video, anyway. It is 26 minutes long and roughly the first half consists of an extended interview / a tea ceremony with Kaelah and myself. But viewers with an attention span of less than two minutes, like the poor guy who left this comment, can simply fast-forward to the action-filled second half. Those of you with an interest in us as people, however, will hopefully enjoy the talky parts as well. The tea ceremony is, of course, a reminiscence of Kaelah's and my first ever play together, as are many elements in this first video of ours. So it offers a look into some very personal history.

Kaelah's Introduction is dedicated to the online spanking community, without which this story would not have happened. Thank you for watching, and happy holidays.

WMV format, resolution 720 x 576, 364 MB:

Uploaded.net link

(Click on "Free Download", wait for the counter to count down, then solve the captcha and download the file.)

Kaelah's Corner (Nov 2010): Top Or Flop?

In the last edition of Kaelah's Corner titled Both Sides Of The Story I told you what switching in my relationship with Ludwig means to me. I analysed in how far Ludwig's and my tastes as tops and bottoms are similar and where they differ. As it turned out our basic preferences are quite similar although there are of course certain differences concerning the limits we both have. My first topping experience and the feelings I had before, during and after the scene will be the topic of today's and next month's post.

When Ludwig made his decision to pay his football bet debts it was clear to me right from the beginning that I wanted to be part of this special event. And after a lot of thinking and some talk we decided that I wouldn't only be an observer but an active top. To make it a bit easier for me, I would only participate in the back whipping and the wonderful Leia-Ann Woods, who had kindly accepted our invitation to be the main top for the scene, would administer the cane strokes alone. After all, Leia-Ann was much more experienced while this was the first time ever for me to spank someone!

I was very glad that we had decided to ask Leia-Ann to be the debt collector. Despite of many differences between her and my kinky fantasies, I always feel very relaxed in her presence and it seems to me that we are somehow on the same wavelength. When we had met Leia-Ann for the first time for dinner last year there had already been a lot of joking and laughing. And it was exactly the same when we met for shooting the clip.

(Leia-Ann and me fooling around.)

As a matter of fact I've rarely been that relaxed in front of a camera, at least not right from the beginning. Partly this might have been because I obviously feel more comfortable as a top than I do as a bottom on a shoot and because we didn't film any acting scenes which are more difficult for me than pure action scenes, especially in a foreign language. But I think the main credit for this goes to Leia-Ann and her relaxed and happy attitude which blew away my concerns and my usual strict focus on doing a good “job”. Instead I was having fun and enjoying the time with Ludwig and Leia-Ann, of course without forgetting to look for good camera angles and a set-up that would make a beautiful clip.

Of course, the prospect of co-topping with Leia-Ann had made me very nervous at first. After all Leia-Ann isn't only a very experienced top, she is also an incredibly beautiful and elegant woman. I wasn't sure whether Leia-Ann would be fine working with an inexperienced newbie like me. And to be honest, what scared me even more was the thought of looking like a short-legged dachshund next to her. But the fun we had during the shoot also made me forget about these fears. Even though our very first scenes showed that they weren't far fetched.

At the beginning Leia-Ann and I took our share of six flogger strokes each. I was quite happy with my posture, but when I saw Leia-Ann taking position I just hoped that I wouldn't look too clumsy compared to that elegant lady! We both received our strokes with the flogger we were going to use on Ludwig later. It already became clear at that point that my flogger was much meaner than the one Leia-Ann had chosen. Hers was very heavy and looked and sounded very impressive. It wasn't exactly a light flogger, but it produced less pain and marks than the one Ludwig and I had brought. Our specimen looks rather innocent, but it is made of heavy rubber and its tips are quite sharp. Ludwig and I had tried to get a fitting second one for the clip, but surprisingly the company which produced these floggers didn't seem to exist any more. I wonder why?

(Pure elegance and...)

However, I was very happy when Leia-Ann with all her experience confirmed after inspecting our flogger that this specimen wasn't to be underestimated. To my mind it also wasn't too easy to handle. I had only had the chance to practise on a living object twice. Each time Ludwig had had a big pillow tied behind his upper back which made him look a bit like Quasimodo, the famous hunchback of Notre Dame. My aim was to neither hit Ludwig's spine with the tips of the flogger nor to let it wrap around, which meant that there was only a rather small target area left. I realised that therefore my technique of swinging the flogger was different from Leia-Ann's whipping technique. But she told me that my technique looked appropriate for the characteristics of the implement which reassured me a lot.

I always said that accuracy was highly important for me when playing as a bottom or watching a scene. It is something I expect from everyone who seriously calls him- or herself a top. Of course a mishit can happen, especially if someone hasn't got much experience as a top or when experimenting with a new implement. But still the high expectations I usually have of myself made me consider any mishit as being unacceptable. So my biggest fear was that the first stroke might not be on target and that I would probably never try it again, being afraid of injuring someone.

On the other hand I didn't want to hit too softly. As they say, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And of course I wanted to make an impression on Ludwig as well as on the viewers of the clip. After all my very first experience with topping would be taped on camera and published! I was sure that the video would automatically be compared to the famous Comeuppance clip. Niki Flynn been had been a fantastic top, so I knew that the expectations would be very high.

How could I meet those high quality standards not only concerning the severity and accuracy but also the psychological part of topping? Would Ludwig get anything out of my topping style and would it meet his preferences? I knew that Ludwig only switches on very rare occasions and prefers to be spanked properly when he does. So of course I wanted to fulfil this desire as well. Since the clip didn't only feature Ludwig and me but Leia-Ann as well, it was also clear that there would be no chance to redo the scene or to back out once the flogging had started. Quite frankly all these thoughts had bothered me a lot in the weeks before the shoot.

(...the dachshund version.)

Of course there had been excitement as well. I had been looking forward to this rare chance to top my mate. My attempt was to show him how mean that sweet little flogger which he had so often used on me really was! I wanted to see his reactions on the flogging in the knowledge that it was me who provoked these reactions. And I wanted to know how it is to spank someone, what kind of top I would be and how I would feel during the scene.

It was this mixture of concerns and excitement that was still inside me during the beginning of the shoot. Even though, as I already mentioned, fooling around with Leia-Ann didn't give me much time for worrying. And then suddenly the big moment was there. Ludwig had taken off his shirt and assumed his position. I checked the cameras at least twice to make sure that they were both running. Leia-Ann, being left-handed, was standing on Ludwig's right side and I assumed my position on the left.

Suddenly I realised that Leia-Ann and I hadn't talked about who would start. Within a sub-second time I decided to go first. I made eye-contact with Leia-Ann and gave her a signal. Then I lifted the flogger, took aim and applied the first-ever stroke of my life on Ludwig's bare skin. The flogger landed right on target. And it clearly elicited a reaction from Ludwig. All the fears and concerns that had bothered me during the recent weeks started to fade... [To be continued]

(Finally taking aim myself!)

How about you? Can you recall your feelings prior to your first topping experience? Was there a lot of excitement? Did you have any concerns? Who was involved in the scene and what kind of relationship did the participants have? And where did it happen, in private or in public? Or are you maybe still in the process of deciding whether to take the plunge or not? I'm looking forward to reading your stories and thoughts in the comment section!

Kinky Feedback Loop

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That's The Way Life Goes

In her post With love from me to me Emma Jane published a very touching letter she had written to her sixteen-year-old self. The idea was inspired by a book called “With love from Me to Me: letters to my sixteen-year-old self” which consists of several letters of that kind, written by different authors. Emma Jane's letter moved me and made me think about what I would write to my sixteen-year-old self. But when I started writing my own letter, I realised that I'm not sure which things I would like to tell my sixteen-year-old self and that the letter definitely wouldn't contain any thoughts about spanking.

Because, quite frankly, my kink didn't bother me much at the age of sixteen. I only remember one particular occasion on which I complained to a very close friend about those strange fantasies I had. But most of the time I just accepted the kinky pictures in my head as being a part of me and didn't worry much about them, although I didn't really understand at that point of my life what they were all about. I knew that my fantasies were sexually arousing and had a vague idea that they somehow had something to do with S&M, but they didn't really fit to the pictures of mistresses in leather outfits shown on TV. It was not until more than ten years later that I read the words “erotic spanking” for the very first time and began to understand. At sixteen I just enjoyed the pictures in my head and the feelings they produced. My fantasies weren't of any practical relevance, anyway, since I didn't have a boyfriend and therefore had no sex life at all (apart from self love, of course). And actually the idea of living out any kind of BDSM fantasies with a partner any time in the future was way beyond my imagination at that time.

There were many other things on my mind at the age of sixteen, though: Changes in the family structure, school, friends and, of course, the question if and when I would find Mr Right. As I know now, that didn't happen during the next ten plus years. A lot of other things did happen, though, good ones and sad ones. But actually, I wouldn't like to tell my sixteen-year-old self about them and I don't feel any urge to give her much advice either. Because first of all, I think that knowing all those events in advance would have unnecessarily scared me. It's hard enough to deal with sad things when they happen, there's no need to waste any energy beforehand. And secondly, from my point of view today I think that all those experiences were extremely important, maybe especially the not so nice ones. Because they showed me that I can deal with difficult situations and taught me to treat myself with care and respect.

So, I don't regret anything I've done so far in my life and I wouldn't want to change anything. I made some experiences more painful for myself than necessary, but obviously I sometimes only learn the hard way. And I guess I can be very glad to have a body which tells me off on not taking enough care (and instead putting too much pressure on myself) rather quickly. The only advice that might have been helpful in order to go through all those things could have been that one simple insight: There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can't see it and everything around you just seems to be completely hopeless and dark.

There is only one specific event (or rather two events) which I would love to change. I would even be willing to pay a high price for it. And that's my mum's death and the fact that Ludwig's dad passed away before I even got the chance to meet him. Both are greatly missed! And yes, one can definitely miss a person one has never met! There are so many questions I would like to ask Ludwig's dad, so many things I can't tell him. At least Ludwig had the chance to meet my mother and we had a wonderful time together, but still I would have loved her to stay with us for much longer and to hold her grandchildren in her arm one day! I miss her love and heartiness, cuddling her, our excursions and the daily talks on the phone, hearing her voice, telling her about my day and asking her for advice.

So, I thought that I could for example tell my sixteen-year-old self to send my mum to a doctor at a certain time in order to save her life. But being the INTJ that I am, of course the question of changing the time-line and the possible consequences of that action came to my mind. Well, I don't have the ability to change the past, anyway, and maybe it is somehow good that I can't change anything, even though I don't see the greater good of my mum's early death. But since I can't change things, I'm again very happy I didn't have a clue that my mum would die so young when I was sixteen. Because at that age I wouldn't have been able to deal with that thought at all.

Apart from these two big losses I'm very happy with where I am today! Even though many things are very different from the expectations my sixteen-year-old self had. I think at the age of sixteen I would have pictured myself now as being married to a guy I met many years ago, having a child or children, living in a little flat and having an intellectually challenging but safe job in a nice stable little environment with a lot of numbers but not too many people around (because people are scary, you know?).

Instead I'm living in a long-distance relationship with a man I only met a little under two years ago. My home is much different from what I would have expected. I'm no mother, yet. My PhD thesis is still in progress and my job situation is quite different from my old plans, too. I'm exploring the world of spanking, writing posts for an erotic blog in English, posting sexy pictures of myself and planning a future that holds many more risks than I thought I could ever take. And you know what? I'm very happy with my life! But I think my sixteen-year-old self would be scared to death (and she wouldn't be able to believe that sex blog thing, anyway). So I better don't tell her...

Because to my mind it was okay to start out with a clear, simple picture of life. I've just learnt throughout my journey that trusting my gut feeling and changing some of the “musts” and “That's the way life goes” premises to “Why not?” and “Which way is the right one for me?” opens up many new wonderful possibilities. Life is much too short to waste it with fears and clinging to traditional or “normal” (whatever that is) paths that don't work out.

I would never have found my way into this community if I had not learnt to be more open to the things around me. I would never have met my mate, I would never have felt womanly and sexy and I would surely never have been as content as I am today. Of course I've still got my insecurities. Of course I'm still scared of things (maybe even more than I was at a younger age). I still don't know where my journey might take me, but I'll take it step by step. That approach worked out quite well so far and I hope it also will in the future.

So, maybe I could cut down my letter to my sixteen-year-old self as follows:

Dear K.,

unfortunately I still don't know much more about the meaning of life than you, but I can definitely tell you that life is an exciting journey. And it might take you to places you haven't gone before. Like in Star Trek, you know? Yes, I'm still a trekkie and a geek, don't worry, some good things won't ever change! ;-) Just trust your gut feeling (you'll learn that, so don't put yourself under pressure).

Of course there aren't only happy days, there are sad days as well. But believe me, you've got the power to deal with it, no matter what. And there is always sunshine again, even after a longer period of rain. I know that this sounds trivial, but there will be times when the end of the tunnel seems out of reach and remembering this little simple line might be helpful and comforting.

I don't want to tell you everything about your future, just that much: In some years you'll be much more relaxed and content than you are now. And I guess that's the most important thing in life! Oh, and you'll even be a little bit cool... :-) Okay, one more secret: You'll find your mate and he is sexy and sweet and a wonderful partner! And another thing: You'll even feel womanly and sexy yourself. Okay, I better stop here before I have given away everything. You'll find out about all the things that'll happen step by step. So don't ask me why I'm writing this letter in English. That's another strange and very exciting story! And no, you haven't emigrated...

Enjoy the ride and take good care of yourself! And don't worry, you'll never be alone, there will always be people around you who love you and care about you.

I'll see you in about fifteen years from now!

Love and many hugs,
K.

How about you? Would you love to give your sixteen-year-old self some advice? Would you like to change the time-line? Or would you just want to write your younger self some words of reassurance? Would spanking play a role in your letter? And did your kink bother you at that age? Whatever thoughts you have on that topic, feel free to share them in the comment section! And thank you very much, Emma Jane, for all the thought fodder!

Oktoberfest Kink

Why am I writing about the Oktoberfest in mid-November? Well, I was going to make a post about it a month ago, at the appropriate time. But I was too busy with other things and eventually discarded the idea - maybe I would dig it back up in 2011. Then, by pure chance, I found an interesting news item about this year's edition of the Oktoberfest, and felt that I had to address it immediately. So I am doing the post after all. Without further delay.

The news item is this blog entry by a German travel guide: Oktoberfest's Lost and Found - A Pug, a Rabbit, and a Leather Whip. It seems that, according to the official post-festival statistics, the lost and found items list of this year includes:

• 1,450 items of clothing
• 770 passports
• 420 wallets
• 420 mobile phones
• 1 set of dentures
  
• 1 rabbit
• 1 pug
• 1 leather whip

So, for the record: while Kaelah and I did visit this year's Oktoberfest, the lost leather whip does not belong to us. Neither do any of the other items on the list. I hate to disappoint our ardent fans who would think us capable of every imaginable perversion, but we did not bring along any BDSM gear during our visit (or pugs, or rabbits...). We were simply there to savour the more ordinary, but nonetheless pleasant joys of the festival. The most tasteless activity we indulged in was eating cotton candy (Kaelah's idea).

As for the whip, I can only speculate like the rest of you: who did it belong to? Why did he (she?) take it along to the festival? Under which circumstances did it come to be lost? Or was it perhaps deliberately left there? For what reason? It's a royal puzzle.

At least it gives me an excuse to write about the Oktoberfest. I've been waiting for a news item like that, a random and trivial curiosity which I can misconstrue as being somehow kink-relevant. With that out of the way, let me move on to one of my beloved historical mini-essays:

The original Oktoberfest in Munich was held in 1810 to celebrate the marriage of Bavarian Crown Prince Ludwig (later King Ludwig I.) to Therese of Saxe-Hildburghausen. The date is sometimes given as October 12th, sometimes as October 17th. From what I can ascertain, the truth is that the marriage took place on October 12th, the festivities lasted for five days and ended on October 17th with a great horse race on a meadow outside the city walls. The public was invited as well. Bavaria had only recently been elevated by Napoleon Bonaparte from an electorate (a kind of duchy) to a kingdom, and the rulers used the marriage celebrations to showcase their newfound splendour.

(Ludwig I., King of Bavaria.
A portrait by Joseph Karl Stieler, 1826.)

That first festival was mostly a series of sports events, much more akin to the Olympic games than to the beer-guzzling funfair it has become today. The Crown Prince was a glowing admirer of ancient Greece (later, as king, he erected numerous classicist buildings that still shape the cityscape of Munich). The Oktoberfest was such a popular success that, much to the delight of their subjects, the royals decided to hold one every year from now on. And so began a tradition that still continues today. Two hundred years after its inception, the Oktoberfest has become the world's largest funfair and a major tourist magnet. It lasts a little over two weeks nowadays, ending on the first Sunday in October, and attracts over six million visitors during that time. The fairground is called Theresienwiese, the "meadow of Therese", named after Crown Prince Ludwig's bride. Bavarians usually refer to the festival as "die Wiesn", "the meadow".

Actually, the Theresienwiese today is not a meadow, it's a huge space of asphalt. During the Oktoberfest, it is filled with carousels, rollercoasters, ghost trains and, of course, gargantuan beer tents where people gather to eat roast chicken and get drunk. Every local brewery has its own tent and its own brand of beer brewed especially for the festival. Contrary to an Australian legend I once heard, the beer at the Oktoberfest is not free. It is actually rather expensive, but good. The alcohol level of the Oktoberfest brews is higher than that of normal beers, around six or seven percent. Tourists who don't realise that are in for a nasty surprise the morning after.

The citizens of Munich today have an ambivalent relationship with their famous festival. It is often dismissed as a mere commercialised tourist attraction "for Italians, Japanese and Prussians" ("Prussian" refers to all non-Bavarian Germans, regardless of whether they are Rhinelanders, Saxons or whatever). At the same time, there remains an unspoken civic duty that you have to visit the Oktoberfest at least once each year, otherwise you're a bore and not a good Bavarian. Many locals avoid the weekends when the Wiesn is at its most crowded, they use a leave day from work instead. Once they are there, they find that they are having a great time after all. Usually after the first beer.

I had been forced to neglect my civic duty in 2009 because I was travelling at the time, so I was actually quite keen to go this year. Especially because Kaelah, being a northerner, had never been to the Oktoberfest at all (which kind of contradicts the "It's only for Prussians!" theory, but let us ignore that). I just had to introduce her to the madness that is our proud southern heritage. So, first thing, I showed her one of the beer tents and we walked from one end to the other. It has to be seen to be fully believed. You have literally thousands of people (the biggest tent accommodates 10.000 at a time), crammed in like cattle, the air saturated with beer fumes and relentless, ear-splitting brass music that makes anything but shouted conversations impossible, and they are all pretending that it's really cosy. The most gemütlich experience ever. Actually, it can be fun if you are in the right mood. But Kaelah and I kept our visit short, all the more so because she is a teetotaller and does not have the aid of drinking to make things enjoyable.

Instead, benign soul that I am, I took her to the notorious Fünferlooping (five loopings) rollercoaster. Kaelah has a history of nearly passing out in rollercoasters, which leads to fear of rollercoasters, which leads to her Klingon side wanting to confront and conquer that fear. Same thing as in spanking, really. So of course we had to do it. Kaelah was getting more nervous with every minute we stood in the queue, but she did not chicken out, did not faint during the ride (although she said later that she came close during the first looping) and was smugly proud of herself afterwards. Did you notice that she even mentioned the five loopings in a recent column of hers? I tell you, she is almost as proud of it as of those cane marks. So I felt compelled to recount the heroic story as well, and express my compliments.

(The site of Kaelah's triumph.)

But let's get back to truly kink-related matters. Many years ago, as a teenager, I rode on a very interesting ghost train at the Oktoberfest. I am not a huge fan of ghost trains, or haunted houses or whatever they are called. As a stuck-up, elitist fan of "serious" horror (like Braindead), I find them childish and somewhat beneath me. But back then I rode one, and it turned out to be unexpectedly inspiring. One of the attractions which you passed inside your little car was a depiction of a rather sexy M/M birching scene (I'm hetero, but I appreciate a good scene regardless of sexual orientation). It consisted of two life-sized plastic figures, one very Krampus-like and slowly, mechanically swinging a large birch with which he whipped the other figure, a naked young man whom he held over his knee. There were even some bloody welts painted on the victim's bottom, and howls of pain emanating from loudspeakers with every stroke. It was an impressively, lovingly detailed construction. Whoever created it must have been one of us, no question about it.

I have been trying to find that ghost train again ever since. Unbelievable as it sounds, I totally forgot what it was called or how it even looked like on the outside (I guess the view on the inside made too much of an impression on me for me to remember anything else). So now, despite not being a fan of ghost trains in general, I try out one or two every year at the Oktoberfest in the hope that it is the one. I never found it. I suspect that the birching scene was removed long ago, anyway. In the politically correct climate of today, where public life is strenuously, fearfully sanitised of everything that anyone, anywhere, might find offensive, it would be considered too much of a risk. Never mind that the spankee in the depiction was obviously a young man, not a child. Never mind that the action is M/M and could not even be accused of "degrading women". It would still be a petty little scandal waiting to happen.

So, when Kaelah and I went on one of the ghost trains, all we saw was the usual clean family fun: hooded figures chopping off heads with scythes or pulling out each other's entrails. Fortunately, depictions of death and graphic dismemberment are still okay for funfairs, while a vaguely erotically charged spanking scene probably isn't. Doesn't the hypocrisy of it make you want to puke in your suit? But enough ranting. The point is, we did not see any plastic figures with birches. Kaelah was very disappointed. Like many females, she holds the (justified) opinion that there is not enough good M/M spanking porn out there on the web. She had hoped to at least see some at the Oktoberfest.

We did see one borderline kinky scene, though. Because 2010 marked the 200th anniversary of the festival, there was a special "historical Oktoberfest" section on the fairground this year. It had many of the old amusement rides from the last two hundred years, venerable old carousels and funhouses, plus a small Oktoberfest museum. As a historian, I was delighted. Then, suddenly, while walking around this part of the fairground, we had the following chance encounter: three young men in traditional Bavarian costume, lederhosen and all, came running past us, apparently in a jolly half-drunken mood and playing tag. One of them was chasing the others with his belt, swinging at them and making the occasional hit. A minute or so later, they came running by again, in the other direction, same arrangement. So Kaelah and I had witnessed some action after all. M/M action, even.

Was one guy chasing the others, with the belt, because they had misplaced his other favourite spanking implement? Is that what the lost leather whip was all about? Sadly, we will never know.