Kaelah's Corner (Apr 2015): Breaking the Rules

I once needed clearly set rules to feel safe. Now I've decided to break them. Change them for one single new rule: "I will listen to my needs and act accordingly." Take off the corset that once straightened my back and allowed me to stand upright. Break free.

Originally, my plan was to quit my Kaelah's Corner posts after my review on my years as a kinky blogger. I felt that I had no more new personal thoughts to explore about my kink. That has changed. I have new insights to talk about. And so Kaelah's Corner will continue for a bit longer. Until this blog closes down.

When I was working on my issues concerning my commitment phobia, sexuality and kink were amongst the prominent topics to look at. In one of my dialogues I received a very intriguing analysis from a vanilla to whom I tried to explain my spanking fantasies. It goes like this: "Sex, like everything in life, is a game. It seems that you have chosen a form of sexuality where you have a clear set of rules. Obviously, this allows you to let go more easily, because you know what to expect and that your boundaries won't be crossed."

That analysis resonated very much with me. The main reason for my fear of commitment is that I am not very good at protecting my boundaries. I am scared of making a loved one sad and disappointing them. And I haven't learned to say "No!" in a polite yet determined manner - and not to feel bad about it. That's why I prefer to have a clear set of rules right from the beginning and to discuss my (anticipated) limits before I try something new. Because I don't trust myself to spontaneously say stop during the experience.

This clearly shows in my kinky fantasies. Take, for instance, my caring guidance fantasies. These fantasies are very formal, and they always involve guardians who have very high moral standards and who first and foremost care about their protégés' well-being. A guardian acting unfair, spanking in anger or maybe even crossing a line by letting things get sexual? No way! My sexual kinky fantasies are strictly separated from the caring ones, and they have their own set of rules. I will write more about the general protective function of fantasies in one of my next Kaelah's Corner posts.

My longing for protective rules doesn't only show in my kinky fantasies, though, it is also very evident in my way of living out my kink. When you read the story about how intensely Ludwig and I discussed my idea of receiving my first-ever erotic spanking, how painstakingly I planned and prepared our first scene together and how ritualised it all was, it becomes clear that I didn't just jump in.

Ludwig didn't know me all too well at the time, and he surely didn't know about my commitment phobia (I wasn't even aware of that myself yet). But he showed an extremely good sense for what I needed. First of all, his main focus was my well-being and that none of my boundaries was crossed. He allowed me to create most of the ceremony and only took over during a clearly defined period. And even then, he constantly encouraged me to tell him how I felt and what I needed. Furthermore, Ludwig made it very clear to me that he didn't have any expectations I had to meet. He told me that it was perfectly fine to stop any time I wanted - the fact that I had chosen to give adult spanking a try with him was already more than he could wish for. Looking back, I think that without Ludwig's very wise and perceptive approach, I would not have been able to take the plunge.

Sometimes, my need to clarify my boundaries beforehand also surprised Ludwig. For instance, when we went to our first-ever spanking party. I was quite sure that I wasn't ready to play with anyone else but Ludwig at the time. But instead of simply going to the party, looking how it went and how I felt and then deciding what to do, I felt the need to inform Abel and the other party guests beforehand that I was not comfortable playing with others. The reason was that I wasn't really sure about the implicit conventions to initiate a scene. So I was scared that some comment on my behalf might make one of the tops think that I wanted to be spanked. I feared that I then would not be sure how to say "No" without insulting them and coming across as a spoil sport. My fear was of course unfounded, but without having established my limits beforehand I would have been even more nervous and scared than I was already about the prospect of visiting a spanking party with experienced players in a foreign country.

In my play with Ludwig and our sexuality, things went surprisingly smoothly. Of course, my fear of not being able to say "No" also came up in our sex life. But Ludwig always reassured me that just because I was willing to try out something new didn't mean that he expected me to be willing to do it more often. And so we discovered each other and our needs slowly and carefully, always asking for feedback. Of course, some spanking scenes along the way went wrong nonetheless. Sexuality and kink are very intimate activities, so old injuries can be reactivated easily. But that's a topic for yet another separate post.

Over time, we had established some sexual habits that worked for us, so explicit rules and the protection of limits didn't play such an important role anymore. Until things changed with the outbreak of my commitment phobia in 2013. Suddenly, our sex didn't work out the way it used to for me. Sometimes I felt overwhelmed and things that had always made me horny and were fun suddenly didn't feel as good anymore. Of course, that stirred up my fear of disappointing Ludwig and making him sad. All I wanted was to go back to what I considered being "normal" because I thought that our sex life had to work as before to prove that our relationship was okay.

I was wrong. The one important thing I hadn't considered was that our relationship had evolved. And that I had changed, too, as well as my needs. As I already explained in my post What is Love?, love and a loving relationship involve different aspects. Sexual passion, friendship and partnership. These three aspects have different preconditions, though. The erotic part is easy at the beginning of a relationship because everything is new, the partner is still to be explored and the relationship isn't stable, yet, which feeds one's erotic fantasies and increases the longing to be close to each other. In my opinion there is still a lot of projection involved as well. I think the sex in new relationships is the kind of sex and erotic love which is most commonly shown in the media as well. Sex must be wild and lustful and end in an ecstatic orgasm in order to be considered good.

But in a long-term relationship that is as deep as Ludwig's and mine, the urge to jump at each other and have wild sex all the time decreases a bit. Ludwig and I share our deepest thoughts, wishes and fears with each other, we have a very harmonic life and we spend lots of quality time together. So there is no need to reconnect or to overcome separation. Plus, everyday life and our daily responsibilities take their toll. As a result, my main need right now isn't the classical fantasy- and lust-driven sex. What I want is to have the kind of sex for which I am up to right at the moment. I want to be touched where it feels good and where I need it right at the time and I want sex to make me feel connected both within myself and with Ludwig. I want to enjoy the whole journey instead of just working up to a desired result and I want my body and soul to be in tune with each other.

I recently watched a documentary where a study was quoted which found out that while in long-term relationships the male sex-drive decreases slowly and constantly, the female sex-drive often crashes down rapidly after a few years. They had some biological explanations for that phenomenon which might explain some of it. In my opinion one main reason might be that the initial feeling of infatuation (which is linked to the fear of not being good enough and losing one's partner) has subsided and the "old" sex doesn't work that well anymore. Instead of openly talking about it, though, I think many women are silently ashamed and feeling guilty. So they either try to make themselves "work properly" again, for instance by playing out strong erotic fantasies in their head while having sex. Or they refrain from sex altogether because it doesn't feel as good anymore. By the way, I think quite a few men have the same issues in long-term relationships. Opening up the relationship, having affairs or choosing a new partner can of course also be ways to deal with that situation.

And then there is the possibility of setting new rules to make the relationship and the sex more interesting again. Think of all the people who discover spanking and DD during a relationship crisis. I read about female subs (and there seem to be quite a few of them) who have a rule which states that their partner has the right to decide when he wants a certain sexual service from them and that they won't refrain from fulfilling that need right there and then. Obviously, that rule gives these women a clear orientation and in a way makes the act of fulfilling a requested sexual service attractive even when not being in the mood for it because it is then an act of submission.

That kind of solution would surely be absolutely wrong for me, though! Instead, Ludwig and I are now trying something completely different. No predefined rules and boundaries. No roles that have to be maintained. Instead, being together right in the here and now. Mindfully exploring what we want and need right in that moment. Telling each other what feels good and what doesn't. Not doing something because it felt good the last time, but because it feels good now.

I think that kind of exploration takes a lot of trust. Maybe even more than trying out spanking for the very first time. But with Ludwig, I have the right man at my side. And to me it sounds like an intriguing journey.  A journey without the protection of predefined rules and boundaries, but with the protection of being allowed to say "No" when something doesn't feel good. And with the possibility to try out new things. Or to enjoy old things like a good hard spanking and wild sex that leads to an ecstatic orgasm. Whatever feels right on a certain day.