Sunday, June 30, 2013

Kaelah's Corner (Jun 2013):
Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover

("I want it naughty." Advertisement for safer sex.
Taken from http://www.bzga.de)

There is a great advertisement in Germany at the moment for safer sex which caught both Ludwig's and my attention. Each poster shows another person who makes a statement about how they want their sex to be. The wonderful thing is that what they say is very different from what one might expect judging by their looks. For instance, there is the punk girl who wants it to be classical. And the body-builder with tattoos who wants tender sex. Finally there is the business guy who likes it naughty.

As spankos, I think we are all aware that one usually doesn't tell kinky people by their outward appearance. We don't look "naughty". Quite the contrary, a lot of the fellow kinksters whom I had the pleasure to meet in person are rather shy and not very unconventional in their day-to-day lives.

But I ask myself, are we really aware of this simple fact, that outward appearance and the first glance don't say all that much about what is behind the curtain when we meet other people in our day-to-day-lives? I don't think I am. That's why the advertisement is so effective.

And, what's more interesting: Are we really aware what is behind our own curtain? Do we know what we want and need? There was a time in my life when I didn't know much about myself and my needs. It was more important for me that I functioned properly than to be in contact with myself and take care of my needs. That has changed a lot. But sometimes I still need a reminder to take a break and listen to myself.

I guess for some kinksters it is already very difficult to admit to themselves that they are kinky and that they want their sex to be "naughty" or "painful" or "dominant" or whatever. For many it is even more difficult to tell others about their needs. It comes with the risk that the others don't understand it and that the picture they once had is shattered.

Luckily, I never had much of a problem with my kink. Once I started exploring the kinky community, I also talked about my kink with lots of people. Maybe my friends are already used to the fact that what I do doesn't always fit into the picture that one might have had at first sight. When I was a teenager, I started watching professional wrestling. Later, I began listening to punk music and heavy metal. Then I thought about becoming a single mother by choice. And finally, I started a kinky relationship with that great guy whom I had met online.

I have learned that my family and my friends take me and like me as I am. That's quite easy for me, too, when it comes to kink. There are other parts of me, though, which are much more difficult to accept and come to terms with. Because not all of my traits are nice and loveable. Some can make my own life miserable. And, what's much worse, some can hurt the people I love. Still I know that it would be wrong to ignore or hate those parts. Of course it is good to work on those traits which can make my life and the lives of those around me miserable. Still, I think I also have to accept and honour the traits I am not always happy with, for they are a part of who I am. I am not sure whether we are able to really be compassionate with others if we aren't compassionate with ourselves.

I think it is important to keep in mind, that it is not one single aspect that defines us. I am not only kinky. I am not only a business woman. I am not only a family person. I am not only the structured thinker and organizer. I am not only an emotional and fearful person. I am not only a grumpy dachshund. I am all of that and much more. And I think it is the mixture that makes us all so special and so interesting. The business guy who wants conventional sex and never takes a risk in his life would be boring. The body-builder who doesn't also show his sensitive side from time to time would be very one-dimensional. It's the sum of all of our parts that makes us special, including those we aren't so happy about. The same is true for the people around us.

Let's hope that we all know how to treat ourselves and the others with respect, compassion and loving kindness. Not only the nice parts, but also the naughty ones.

6 comments:

Ludwig said...

"Because not all of my traits are nice and loveable. Some can make my own life miserable. And, what's much worse, some can hurt the people I love. Still I know that it would be wrong to ignore or hate those parts. Of course it is good to work on those traits which can make my life and the lives of those around me miserable. Still, I think I also have to accept and honour the traits I am not always happy with, for they are a part of who I am. I am not sure whether we are able to really be compassionate with others if we aren't compassionate with ourselves."

-----

No, not all of your traits are nice and loveable. Some can be self-defeating, annoying or even hurtful at times. But that is true for all of us. We would not be human otherwise. I have learned to love you and appreciate you with all of your traits, the amazing ones and the difficult ones, the loveable ones and the at times hurtful ones. I know that the former far outweigh the latter. And I don't think that I could possibly be happier with anyone than I am with you.

I think we both have a tendency to be harsher on ourselves than we are on others. Me especially - I can easily say "we would not be human without our flaws", and indeed that is what I believe, but I often find it difficult to apply that to myself in practice and accept my own flaws and like myself despite of them. I have come to realise that this is something I want to work on!

Anyway, a very touching and thought-provoking post for me, as is so often the case with your "corners".

joeyred51 said...

Kaelah,

There are very few people I meet who are happy with themselves. We seem to focus on our negative traits as humans, and often it involves body image.

I believe we would be happier if we instead concentrated on our relationships with people. Being kind, generous, friendly, helpful, slow to anger and quick to forgive, etc.

Being kinky is fun and exciting and I know many people in the scene. I would hope they think of me as kind and friendly first, and an interesting kinkster second.

Hug,
joey

PS I would appreciate any feedback you have regarding my MM story.

Anonymous said...

I think your interpretation of the advertisment is not corret. The man on the original poster is touching his wedding ring which means: He likes it "unartig" (naughty) because he is looking for sex with a woman which is not his wife. So it's not about a kinky man.

Olli said...

Yeah, it's so true: "Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover".
So always think about these people who ruined the world: they weren't wear tatoos - but ties...!

Lea said...

Very good points, Kaelah. People more often than not seem to be different than an outside appearance may suggest.

I've recently jumped into an online dating site and have found it really difficult. How do you sum up everything about yourself in a few paragraphs and with a few questions?

Kaelah said...

@ Ludwig:
Thank you very much for your wonderful comment! I think loving oneself despite of the flaws that we all have is one of the most difficult challenges in life. I am not really good at it, either, but I think I am slowly becoming better. Maybe we can learn that together and help each other on our way, step by step. :-)

@ Joey:
You are right, in my opinion it is also much more important whether someone is a nice and generous person than whether said person is kinky or whether their kink is similar to mine. I haven't met you personally, but from your writing you come over to me as a very friendly and kind person, which is why I enjoy reading your blog so much. I am sorry that I haven't gotten around to sending you an e-mail about your story, yet! At the moment I hardly manage to maintain the blog. I have already read your story, though, and I plan to send you an e-mail within the next days.

@ Anonymous:
Thank you very much for your comment. You are right about the original poster and your interpretation is of course a valid one.

I don't think it is the only possible one, though. Because, if the ring were such an important part of the message, why would there also be a version of the poster in which the ring isn't shown? And, wouldn't the middle-aged married business man who is bored of his sex life with his wife and looks for a sexual adventure with another woman be rather clichéd? Last but not least, I am not sure whether the Bundeszentrale für gesundheitliche Aufklärung, an agency belonging to the ministry of health would really approve of an advertisement that somehow shows adultery in a positive light?

In my opinion, the ring could also be another symbol showing that the man on the poster has rather conservative values, which makes it all the more surprising that he wants his sex to be naughty.

As I already said, I think your interpretation is valid, too, though. Maybe the creator of the advertisement also wanted to leave it to the viewer to find their own personal interpretation!

@ Olli:
I guess what you mean is that its often the serious-looking powerful guys who do much more harm than the wild-looking rebels. I think you are right. But in my opinion the look generally doesn't say much about a person's character. I like guys in suit and tie and I love to wear ties myself from time to time. But I also know people with tattoos whom I like very much as well. In my opinion it is really true: Don't judge a book by its cover, always take the time to look behind the curtain and find out more about the character of a person.

@ Lea:
Of yes, I have read about your adventures with the online dating site! The experiences one can make there are both shocking and very funny. You are right, it is very difficult to tell others much about oneself in just a few sentences. I think the writing style can give a first hint how a person is like. But you only get a more complete picture by investing more time, either by writing each other online, by chatting on the phone or finally by meeting each other in person.