One Small Step For Man

Hi folks, we've done it again! Nope, not what you think. I'm talking about participating in online discussions about ethical treatment of others. Again, this has cost me three days of my life which have been filled with thoughts on the subject. I have to admit that I envy and admire Ludwig for his ability to participate in these discussions without being too involved emotionally. I don't have that ability (yet?), but I think that writing this post will be my way of drawing a line under this chapter.

So, what am I talking about? It all started with my post Happy Pi Day being Chrossed this week. I realised our stats rising and took a look at Chross's Spankings of the Week. Then, I suddenly saw a link on the sidebar to a discussion thread titled "Males as receivers?". I knew that Chross isn't into x/M spankings, and I had always been under the impression that his discussion forum and message board wasn't open to x/M, either. So, the title of the thread caught my attention and I started to read the discussion.

Skip 20 minutes ahead and you'll find me at the phone, my hands slightly shaking, telling Ludwig about my encounter. What caused my discomposure? Well, the thread had been started by one of the moderators of the forum who had discovered x/M material being posted on the site. He asked for advice on how to deal with that. So far, so good. The site belongs to Chross, so it is his right to decide what kind of content he wants.

I had of course always been sad about the omission of x/M since Chross's board and database is the biggest of its kind and there is no equal alternative place to go to for people who are searching for interesting links to spankings in mainstream videos, spanking pictures and recommended new blog posts. There had also always been a gut feeling which told me that x/M (and especially M/M) often is excluded from forums not only because the owners and the users have different preferences but because a small but vocal minority of prejudiced people and homophobes refuses to have any of that stuff anywhere on the site at all.

What made me tremble with rage was that I found my suspicion confirmed when I read the thread. Luckily only to a certain extend, though, but more about that later. It turned out that the moderator who asked for advice had so far deleted all x/M stuff he came across because he didn't want to have anything to do with x/M. In his words: "I don't want to take part in an enterprise that features men on the receiving end. That's gay, and it's beyond the pale." He later claimed that he had intended to use the term "gay" in the sense of "rubbish". But if he meant to say "rubbish", why did he not simply write "rubbish"? As any psychologist who has done research on the psychology of prejudice will tell you, someone using the term "gay" in place of "rubbish" is a pretty good indication that they are, indeed, prejudiced against gay people. Even if you give the guy the benefit of the doubt, calling x/M content "rubbish" is still pretty rude towards people who enjoy that kind of content. In any case, he obviously was not happy about the x/M stuff, and threatened to lay down his work as a moderator should it continue to be allowed on the board.

Luckily, the reactions of the next commenters were less intolerant. There were statements like: "Well, I don't like M/M in particular, but don't have any problem at all with F/M. However I'm a bit worried, why this should be a reason of defaming those who enjoy it. Remember, most people this [sic] spankos are sick." And: "What we don't want( as long as its adults involved) is telling someone that their kink is not okay simply because it does not appeal to us." But only one commenter labelled the original comment as what it was: "The depiction of males on the receiving end does nothing for me either, but neither am I bothered if it is shown on here. What does bother me is the notion of the forum being censored on the basis of someone else's homophobia - which, frankly, is a bit what the OP makes it sound like."

Apart from that, there was a lot of understanding and support for the original comment. Of course, everybody hastened to add that they were not intolerant. But at the same time, the statements featured comments like this: "Have very minimal interest in X/M, and would be fine if those running this site decided to exclude it." Or: "That said, however, this is Chross's blog, and he has every right to run it as he sees fit. If something offends him, or just doesn't fit what he's looking for, I say we step up and FOLLOW the rules. If someone has other interests, perhaps they should blog them elsewhere and not 'force' their preferences onto this group."

Karl Friedrich Gauss finally boiled it down to the main question: "how tolerant can or should we be of the intolerance of others". What I found in the thread was a lot of (more or less) subtle tolerance for intolerance. And I have to admit that I'm sick of this, because it is something that I repeatedly discover when it comes to people who are into x/F and their views about x/M (especially M/M), but never the other way around. Accordingly, the x/M (M/M) haters often get their way, and the x/M (M/M) fans are excluded from the party.

As you might already have guessed, Ludwig and I decided to join the discussion. Since we have already made the experience that not those who make unethical comments, but the ones challenging them are seen as troublemakers by some site owners, we settled for a new tactic, though. Instead of posting two separate long comments, we merged our arguments into a shorter joined comment which presented our point of view and which, thanks to Ludwig, was much more moderate than the original comment I had written. Yep, you have read this correctly: Ludwig was the more diplomatic one among the two of us! How about that for a role reversal. Writing that original (and never published) comment allowed me to give vent to my anger instead of swallowing it, though, and Ludwig embedded several of my arguments in our joined comment. So my work hadn't been in vain.

In order not to let the discussion become endless, our post was supplemented only by one shorter follow-up comment which further clarified some aspects. And then, Ludwig left the discussion with a "Thank you!" to Chross. For what? Well, that's the good news!

I let Chross speak for himself by quoting the most important excerpts from his comments: "I do agree that this was set-up as a X/F board. X/M is not the type of stuff I like, too. But then, if you look at the board rules there is nothing there that forbids X/M stuff. I know there are a lot of people out there who enjoy this sort of stuff and I don't really see a reason to exclude them, just because they are to our mind doing it the wrong way round ;-)! So deletion is not the right means I think. Stuff like that should, however, be labelled accordingly, so that people who might be offended by it, can avoid it. So in the thread name (if it's a new thread) or the post's title a 'M/M' 'F/M' should be added. Either by the poster or a moderator / admin if he notices this kind of stuff. If it turns out that we have a lot of it posted, I will set-up a sub board for this sort of stuff. […] I don't think stuff should be deleted if it IS not labelled correctly. We'll notice the author via a reply or PM and add the label. […] A board lives through its contributions and people who make these contributions, so there is no need to rule with an iron hand and drive people away who bother with uploading and posting stuff for others to enjoy."

So, this means that my second (i.e. toppy, and M/M loving) half is now officially welcome on Chross's message board! Yes, x/M threads have to be labelled. Yes, there might be a separate sub board one day. Yes, those who called for protection from getting into any contact with material that doesn't match their preferences have been heard. But still, Chross as the owner of a private message board who himself isn't interested in x/M has officially welcomed x/M contributions on his board and made a personal statement for more tolerance amongst spankos. Which is a wonderful message and also sets a prominent example, because Chross's site is one of the big players in our community.

And, even if there should be a separate board one day, I don't have the feeling that it will be hidden somewhere where nobody sees it. Karl Friedrich Gauss already used the new official freedom and posted a link to one of Jimmy Holloway's thought-provoking posts in the "blog beat" thread which points out interesting new blog posts in the spanking community. For me, this is a step towards more tolerance and a peaceful co-existence of different kinks in our community!