Saturday, February 18, 2012


(Not exactly the kind of strength I'm striving for.)

I've been thinking a lot about the topic of strength lately and what being a strong person means to me. The people I admire the most for being strong characters aren't those who demonstrate their power or intellectual superiority over others. In my opinion, the strongest people are those who know about their strengths (and their weaknesses) and who are at peace with themselves and therefore don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone. I think one recognizes those people from their behaviour and attitude. They have clear opinions and can support them with good arguments, they like to exchange ideas and to learn new things, but at the same time they don't feel the urge to convince others that their opinion is the right one, and they can accept others as they are. I know a few people who come close to that ideal.

I aspire to become like that, too, but I'm definitely still very far away from it. That made me think about what self-confidence and inner peace or the lack thereof can mean in the context of kink. In my opinion, living out my kinky fantasies and being a part of the kinky online community have both increased my self-confidence and given me strength. But from time to time, kinky activities also remind me of my insecurities. I sometimes become aware of them when I'm thinking of kinky play, when I'm reading blogs or when I'm looking at the Scene as a peer group environment.

(That's more like it: a beautiful place to find inner peace and balance.)

I am a very competitive person, which isn't a bad trait per se. But I know that it can also sometimes drive me too far. In my opinion, there can be quite a competition between bottoms at times, to take harder spankings or to play out more edgy scenarios. Pushing one's limits from time to time and showing off a bit in front of others is of course okay, but there is always a certain risk of going too far. I know that with my brave girl kink I am in danger of falling into that trap. That's why I always think twice before taking part in any play that might push my boundaries and make sure that I don't get myself into any competitive situations when it comes to spanking play.

There are also times when I sense a certain lack of self-confidence in tops. I haven't experienced that in any real life play, but it is a feeling I sometimes get when watching spanking clips. With some tops, I have got the feeling that they try to improve their self-confidence by showing how tough, merciless and cool they are. As with bottoms, a bit of showing off is of course absolutely okay. But if I have the feeling that a top wants to make a mark as a strong guy or woman at the expense of the bottom he or she is topping, that really scares me off.

As a reader of blogs and a member of the spanking Scene, I sometimes feel my own insecurities as well. While I have developed a good self-confidence in many areas of life, two fields on which I am still quite insecure are peer groups and femininity. When it comes to women in general, and female bottoms in particular, submission and vulnerability often seem to play an important role on spanking blogs, and they seem to attract many readers. Now, I always was the geeky type and I'm definitely neither submissive nor am I looking for a man who picks me up when I'm feeling vulnerable. Of course, I expect the latter from Ludwig in our relationship, but as something mutual. And I know that Ludwig neither wants a submissive woman, nor a woman who is permanently soft and vulnerable. Still, I sometimes feel threatened by all the writing about submission and vulnerability because it makes me scared that as a woman who doesn't fulfil these requirements, I might not be attractive or feminine enough.

(Amelia-Jane Rutherford - feminine, gracious and intelligent:
an impressive combination. Picture courtesy of Restrained Elegance.)

It's the same with body sizes. While publishing pictures of myself has made me much more self-confident about my appearance than I was before, I still tend to get scared by all the photos of beautiful women which I come across when surfing spanking blogs. My own body figure doesn't quite match my personal preferences and that can make me feel a bit insecure at times. Again, I have a clear idea of how I would like to handle things, it just doesn't always work that way. As I wrote a while ago on Pandora's blog:

I’ve got a preference for small, round bottoms, slim figures and slender legs. But my own figure is different. My hips are much broader than my waist, my bottom is bigger and not really round and (like many women) I’m suffering from cellulitis on my legs. The thing is, I could starve myself to death and it wouldn’t change a thing about my waist to hip ratio or the cellulitis.

For me the key is to stay true to myself, in several ways. First, I don’t deny my own preferences and I don’t try to change them forcibly. They are there and I think that’s okay. When I’m taking pictures or making clips, I try to present myself in a position that makes my body look beautiful in my own eyes and a light that reduces the visibility of the cellulitis, because I feel sexier then. And in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that, either, especially because the pictures make me feel good about my body.

At the same time I try to take good care of my body (without obsessing about the parts I’m not so happy with) and to feel happy the way I am. And I am aware that others have very different preferences. Ludwig, for example, likes my waist to hip ratio and he doesn’t care about the cellulitis at all. For him, I am beautiful the way I am, and it is wonderful to know that. 

Now I just wished that the knowledge of this would take away the self-doubt completely, so that I could watch spanking pics without comparing myself to other women and being scared if I find them more attractive. I assume that comparing oneself to others is a streak that is very inherent to human beings, though, so I doubt that I will ever get completely rid of that. But maybe I will become more relaxed about the fact that there are other women whom I find more beautiful than myself.

(A scene I would love to witness at a play event. 
Picture courtesy of Spanking Central.)

The third and last aspect which makes me think about my inner strength or lack thereof is the Scene as a peer group. I often felt unwell in peer group environments, especially among women. In the spanking scene, though, I now have met many people, among them maybe even more women than men, whom I like very much and whom I feel close to. But again sometimes my insecurity shows. It often happens when I read about big play events. Sometimes I would like to join in because I like the people involved and would like to share time and happy experiences with them.

But then, my kinky fantasies (and my limits) usually don't really fit. I'm not very fond of school play, and when I think about the three things I would like to do the most, it comes down to: watching M/M scenes, bottoming to Ludwig (I'm very picky when it comes to being topped) and topping men. These preferences simply don't really fit to the action at most of the big play events I have heard of. And that sometimes causes me to feel insecure and a bit sad because it makes me think that I don't fit well enough to be a "real" part of the peer group. Then again, there are times when not fitting to the mainstream is absolutely okay for me and when I even embrace my being different and marvel at the fact that I have found a partner who shares many of my unusual interests and preferences.

How about you? What kind of strength are you striving for? Have you come across examples of strong, well rounded people whom you admire? Have you made experiences with insecurities in kinky play? And what does blog reading do for you? Does it always provide you with joyful thought- and fantasy-fodder? Or does reading about how others live and what they do sometimes also raise self-doubts? I'm curious to read about your experiences. Please feel free to share them in the comment section!


Fenris said...

I share your opinion concerning the characteristics of so called "strong" persons. In my professional career, I have met several persons whom I consider to be just extraordinary. They were, of course, very good at what they did, but they had other traits in common which find my utmost admiration. They were very quiet, they do not have to show off their abilities or superiority, they make other persons of lower status feel comfortable and never shout at those who cannot defend themselves. Generally speaking, if you are around these persons, you have the feeling that nothing bad can happen. When I was younger, I never really had a role model. But if I will possess some of the inner strength of these individuals in the future, I can consider myself lucky.

Insecurities are nothing strange to me. For example, I do feel insecure in peer groups as well, as I am not the one who likes boasting and getting all the attention. I am mostly not interested in small talk, so I do not join the discussion about the latest TV shows or other yellow press gossip.

Sometimes, I wish I was better at getting to know other people, to be less introverted, less melancholic, less emotional vulnerable.

Only recently, I have learned to accept some of my character traits, including my kink.

Some blog posts do indeed make me feel insecure when I read how other people are living out their kink at parties with lots of like-minded individuals, but on the other hand, there are bloggers who admit insecurities and describe their personal way to explore their kink.
These blogs, including this one, helped me a lot to accept my kink.

Our Bottoms Burn said...

Why not have your own small event? Invite the people who are into the same scenes you are. You should have no problem finding men who will do M/M scenes for you or finding men you want to top.

Donpascual said...

First a few musings on strength.

Quite evidently, there are alpha-animals who are quite aware of their strength and are making use of it. But there are others – and I think it’s the majority – whose strength comes from within and they are often not aware of it. My mother was such a person. She raised my sister and me by willpower only, without money, without a well paid job, and without her husband who was – at that time - prisoner of war. That I consider strength!
Strength is also shown, as Fenris said, if not displaying it or showing off with it. I realized that I have strength, after I managed a whole (successful) business life without shouting, insisting on status symbols, fighting, and spinning intrigues. You can also call this authority.
I am not bragging about this, but only telling you, what others have made me aware of.
And one more very important aspect of strength: it is always associated with weakness, too, because we are all prone to make mistakes. Not being perfect can demolish many an ego. Every powerful person I have known did show weakness at one occasion or other.

It seems that women often have problems to accept their bodies and even see problem zones where there are none. Again – in my view – that is not weakness, but rather a gender specific hang up which men are nearly free of. The age old quip that “a man without a belly is a cripple” has more truth to it than it might sound. Seemingly, our own robust attitude is fuelled by the insecurities of the other gender.

But so far, I have only confirmed what has been written already. You, Kaelah, write that you have problems with joining into kinky play within groups or events and don’t like to be forced to go along with something others have decided.

Our bottoms burn has made quite a reasonable proposal: Why not organize your own small events with only people attending you either know, or you are at least not afraid of to blow your cover? A few guests should be carefully selected and trusted strangers though, in order to help you working on that fear you are feeling towards the unknown. As you know, I have made this experience and simply let myself been pulled into the midst of things. If Ludwig is present, what should possibly happen? And playing school is not the only theme for a spanking event.

As to your very special interest profile:

Finding men to spank should open more doors than you can possibly manage to run in. At least 90% of all submissive men are looking for a female top. Just have a look at the ads of men looking for a domme.

Watching M/M can be arranged as well. You have already contacts into the scene.

Any way you are looking at it you fit well into our kinky scene. There are subgroups catering to just about every special interest whether it is licking toes or getting off on amputations. Why on earth shouldn’t you find a way to watch M/M play live and in colour?

Your preferences are mainstream, not something extremely rare or outside the kinky realm.

The questions at the end of your pretty complicated post are loaded too. But at least some answers:
Self-doubts? Yes, but also envy: I wish to be 20 years younger (at least), although being a genuine grandpa has something for many role plays. But certainly I have no doubts about wanting to be a spanker. Reading blogs is always providing nutrition for thought, of course.

Kaelah said...

@ Fenris:
I think we are quite similar in many ways. I'm not so much into small talk, either. Luckily I have become more comfortable with peer groups and at party events in the last years. It is something I actively worked at and I found out that I'm actually not as bad at it as I always thought. Today I enjoy going to parties and other events, as long as I have the feeling that the people who are attending are somehow on a similar “wavelength”.

I absolutely agree with you about strong people – they are the ones that make others feel comfortable in their presence.

@ Our Bottoms Burn & Donpascual:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and ideas!

I guess I didn't express myself very well concerning the topic of spanking parties. Actually I don't seek participating in any big spanking play events much at all. It's not that I am afraid of being forced to do something that I don't like, but I don't have a strong desire to play with others anyway. And then I prefer small groups and a relaxed environment instead of a big party.

The major reason for me to think about participating in such an event is that I would like to share time with people I like and whom I don't get to see very often (mostly fellow kinksters from the UK and the USA). But the parties they usually attend seem to be so different from my kink that I'm not sure whether I would fit in. And inviting them all to Germany of course isn't so easy, either, since they are all living so far away...