Saturday, January 30, 2010

Kaelah's Corner (Jan 2010):
'Til The Bitter End

(The day after. Yes, that's my blood on the cane!)

Remember when I wrote in my Anderswelt post that I'm not into severe spankings?! Well, that hasn't changed. But I also wrote that I might try a severe scene once in order to overcome the problems I have with the edgy spanking movies produced by some of the Eastern European producers and as a special present for Ludwig. It has finally happened now and as you can easily guess I have survived.

The scene was the main part of a bigger, more complex project I set up under the working title "Das Experiment" ("the experiment"). I got a 50 strokes caning from Ludwig that was as severe as the hardest caning he had ever dished out (as a warden in the Mood Pictures film Inmates). I had arranged the setting and the whipping bench we used for the caning. There was no role-play involved, no characters, no storyline. Just a room with a whipping bench, Ludwig, me and the cane. The caning was designed to be taken fully naked and I was supposed to count the strokes. Both of us could stop the caning any time we wanted or considered it to be necessary. In contrast to the movie scenes, I wasn't tied down because I wanted to show also optically that taking the caning was a free choice of mine. And there was another difference to the caning Ludwig did as a part of his video shoot: the strokes were delivered in two sets which consisted of 25 strokes each, separated by a short break that was part of the experiment design.

I'm going to give you a detailed report on the experiment in the June and July edition of Kaelah's corner. There are three reasons for the delay. First of all, I already have different topics for the editions from February to May. Secondly, since I'm not into such severe scenes, I made myself very vulnerable by trying this and I need time to think about it all, before I feel ready to give you the full story. And, last but not least, it will simply take some time and effort to go through all the material we've produced throughout the experiment.

But I would like to tell you about the caning itself today. And I would like to ask you some questions that occurred afterwards.

Doing such a hard scene raised a lot of fears on my part. For instance, I was afraid of having to quit, of showing very strong reactions that I don't find sexy, of ending up with marks I found too heavy or of disappointing Ludwig in some way. Actually, there were just very few positive pictures in my mind. Only in case I would be able to go through the whole caning and in case I could do it in a manner I found "appropriate", then I might be able to connect the scene to my heroine-fantasies. I knew from previous experiences with less hard canings that this scenario wasn't very likely and that there was a high chance that I would find the whole scene rather unerotic. I just hoped that the experience wouldn't be too bad and that the outcome would outweigh the costs.

Unfortunately, I was in a rather suboptimal mental and physical state on the day the caning was due to happen. Ludwig had always told me that I didn't have to do it, in case I wasn't sure whether it might do me harm. And he asked me again that day whether I really wanted to do it. Although I was in a rather bad mood and the negative pictures dominated my thoughts, I didn't want to back out. Not trying it would have been even worse than the negative experiences I could possibly make during the scene.

So, I finally climbed on the whipping bench and told Ludwig I was as ready as I would ever be. But I already felt shaky, sick and a bit dizzy before even a single stroke had fallen. Today, I can proudly state that, despite my negative mindset, I managed to take the full number of strokes! And I'm not completely unhappy with my reactions, either. Looking back, I can even say that I find the scene partially erotic (it surely didn't feel erotic during the caning!). But the pain exceeded my tolerance level by more than just a few per cent. In combination with my fears and negative mindset this led to rather strong reactions I wasn't prepared for. They weren't as strong as I had feared, but stronger than I had hoped for and different from what I had expected. So, looking back, my feelings towards the scene remain partly negative and I'm not completely happy with it.

I talked to Ludwig about it and we raised some interesting questions. First of all, Ludwig fortunately didn't find the part that went "wrong" from my point of view unerotic. While he prefers restrained and controlled reactions, the most important thing for him is that the reactions are genuine. And my reactions obviously weren't so much over the top that he would find them annoying. I told Ludwig that I didn't feel brave enough because I didn't really know how to deal with the pain which made me feel very helpless and somehow lost. Ludwig is into brave girls and I was afraid that he would also be of the opinion that I wasn't brave enough.

Instead, Ludwig raised the question whether it is braver to do such a scene when one can take it easily and without struggling, or going through it until the bitter end despite not knowing how to deal with it and struggling a lot? Thinking about it, I have to agree with his thoughts. Interestingly, in case someone else would have made and told me about the scene, I wouldn't have interpreted the reactions as a sign of weakness. But in my own play, not knowing how to deal with the pain, struggling a lot and showing stronger reactions doesn't fit to my heroine-fantasies.

So, the question is: What is bravery??? As you might already have realised, I haven't written how the scene unfolded exactly. Instead, I have written down five possible descriptions of the scene. They all contain reactions / events I would have been unhappy with. Based on the descriptions I would like to hear some suggestions and thoughts on the topic of bravery from you. For all the tops, who are into brave bottoms: How much would the five different scenarios attract or annoy you? How do you define bravery? Which reactions do you find particularly interesting / sexy / annoying? Comments of all those who aren’t living out their kink but watch kinky films are very welcome, too! And to the bottoms who like the thought of being brave: Would some of the events described make you feel like a wimp? What makes you feel brave? Do you judge your own scenes differently than those of others?

Here are the five possible descriptions of the scene:

Story A:

When the caning started, the pain of the first strokes already drew my breath away. With each stroke, I had less breath to count out loud. I felt more and more dizzy, which increased the panic inside me, but I didn’t want to quit. I hoped that I would somehow make it through the first 25 strokes. Fortunately, Ludwig was more reasonable than me. He stopped the caning after 17 strokes because he realised the state I was in. Ludwig told me to take deep breaths and brought me something to drink. I was completely frustrated. I didn’t even make it through the first 25 strokes! Ludwig tried to calm me down. After a few minutes of rest I felt less shaky, but I was still sad. Nearly fainting surely wasn’t a sexy reaction!

Despite Ludwig's suggestion to stop the scene, I was adamant that I wanted to continue. Ludwig told me to focus on my breathing and we finished the first set of strokes with some louder reactions but less dizziness on my behalf. After another short break, we started with the second set of strokes. At first it went quite well. But then the strokes were getting more severe and I started gasping and moaning. It was getting harder and harder to control my reactions. Several times Ludwig reminded me to breathe. Then it happened: I lost my count. Since we didn’t do any role-play, Ludwig simply gave me the right number (37) when I asked him. Angrily, I focused on the rest of the fight and managed to go through the last strokes with some suppressed moaning and some wincing but no stronger reactions otherwise.

Still, I was a bit frustrated about the unplanned break during the first half and having lost count during the second half. But Ludwig told me that he liked my otherwise suppressed reactions (given the severity of the caning). And of course, he was quite happy about my little counting problem, too. After all, I can’t make fun of his miscounting in the Comeuppance clip any more…

Story B:

When the caning started, the first strokes already burned like fire. I found myself gasping, moaning and cursing even at the very first strokes. This was definitely beyond my normal limits. Again, the thought about possible severe marks and bloody welts occurred in my mind. I started to panic which resulted in louder moans, more gasping and a feeling of dizziness. Ludwig asked me if I wanted to quit. I refused and managed to go through the first set of strokes.

During the break I tried to deal with the shock about the amount of pain and the fears about going too far. Then I made a mistake – I caught a glimpse of the marks on my bottom, dark red welts with some bloody spots. The bad feeling of playing beyond my limits became more intense. But I didn't say a word. My stomach clenched when we started the second part. I managed to go through the first strokes with some moans and gasping. But when Ludwig increased the force after stroke number 35 the fears broke lose. After stroke number 38 a started crying, and the moaning and crying became heavier after each stroke. I didn’t quit, but when the caning was over I had a tear-stained face und was shaking heavily. Breaking is definitely a reaction I don’t find attractive at all! Ludwig soothed me and calmed me down. After I had told him what had happened, he also managed to reassure me that the marks weren't too heavy and would be healed soon.

However, I was frustrated about the crying, knowing that Ludwig is into restrained reactions and those weren’t restrained at all! But Ludwig told me that he also loves a good build-up of a CP scene and that the increasing intensity of my reactions beautifully matched the increasing severity of the caning. And he was proud that despite of my fears and the crying I didn’t quit. Which, as he said, means that I wasn’t really broken…

Story C:

I’m not into cold canings and I hate the kind of pain the cane produces. Ludwig’s first strokes weren’t full force, but already very hard. After a few strokes I started to panic. I managed to keep my position for some more strokes, but after 11 strokes I started flinching. Something I normally don’t do! I tried not to move, but my reflexes were stronger than my mental control. Ludwig had more and more problems to hit the right spot. At stroke number 23 ,I even kicked my leg and nearly got my foot hit. Ludwig stopped for a moment and told me to keep still. “I really try!” I replied, nearly crying out of frustration. I managed to finish the first set without wriggling too much.

During the break, Ludwig told me that he had reduced the force of the strokes because he was afraid to injure me. He didn't want to go on with the second part, because from his point of view it was too much for me. That frustrated me even more. I definitely didn't want to quit, and I felt strong enough to go on with part two. So, I suggested tying me down for my own safety. At first, Ludwig was against it, because for him restraints are just a decorative element. But I insisted on trying it, and knowing how important the scene was for me, Ludwig finally agreed. I told him not to hold back in part two. The caning went much better being tied down. I struggled against my restraints and during the last ten full force strokes I also got louder. But I managed to go through it without crying or yelling.

Still, I was frustrated that I hadn’t managed to hold still and needed the restraints. Ludwig on the other hand was very relieved that it obviously was the right decision to go with part two. And he liked the mixture of visible struggling and rather suppressed vocal reactions…

Story D:

During the first strokes I realized that I had no plan how to deal with the pain. I managed to control my upcoming panic for a short time, but after stroke number five I suddenly started to hyperventilate. I frantically tried to control my breath (not knowing that I would have had to reduce the amount of oxygen), but it didn’t work. Panting like a dachshund after a long sprint definitely wasn’t sexy! Even when Ludwig stopped a few seconds after stroke number ten, caressed me and told me to breath calmly, I didn’t manage to calm down. Since I somehow still managed to count the strokes in a quite clear voice, Ludwig decided to go on. But I felt more and more dizzy, my mouth went try and then suddenly my hands and feet started going numb. That didn’t help to reduce my panic. But I made it through the first part of the caning without fainting. By the end, my forearms were numb, too, and my hands were cramped. I hang limb over the whipping bench breathing like mad, trying to regain my composure and struggling with the feeling of passing out any time soon.

Ludwig looked after me and brought me something to drink. I stood up and it took a while until the numbness in my hands and feet and the dizziness were gone. I wasn’t sure whether I would be able to go through the second part without another break. But quitting wasn’t an option. So, despite of my fears, I finally climbed on the whipping bench again. Ludwig asked me (twice!) whether I really wanted to go on and I said yes. This time, I wanted to keep my composure. At least for a few strokes. I focused on my breathing and managed to remain calm besides some suppressed moaning, hissing and wincing. After stroke number 35 Ludwig increased the force again and it became harder to deal with the pain. I fought with every new stroke. Realising that this time I had a chance to win the battle, I grew stronger and stronger. The last ten strokes were full force, but I wasn’t willing to lose control again. And then it was all over and I felt relieved that the second part went much better than the first part of the caning.

However, the first part was a rather bad experience for me and to my mind also very unsexy! But Ludwig told me that he liked the combination of the two different reactions very much. And from his point of view, I already had been brave during part one and very brave during the second part…

Story E:

After only the second stroke I was shocked about the wave of pain surging through my body. I howled out in pain and clawed my hands into the whipping bench. During the next strokes I frantically tried to retrieve my composure and to become more quiet. At the same time, I tried to keep my position, count the strokes and not to start crying. Of course I wasn’t able to focus on all these tasks at once, so I panicked even more and my reactions got louder and louder. After stroke number 15 I was completely exhausted and despaired and told Ludwig to stop. He stopped immediately and tried to soothe me.

I felt like a wimp and was totally frustrated. It took a while until Ludwig managed to calm me down. He reassured me that my vocal reactions didn’t annoy him and that they were pretty normal given the severity of the caning and not as loud as I thought. He told me to let go instead of suppressing the screaming. After a few minutes I felt ready to start again, and we finished the first set of strokes, again with some quite loud screams and howls on my behalf. During the break I just hoped that I would manage to remain a bit more controlled in part two. And it worked - at least for the first ten strokes. Then Ludwig started increasing the force from hard to almost full force and my screaming got louder again. During the last eight strokes I nearly screamed from the top of my lungs. Then it suddenly was over. I felt quite dizzy and again very exhausted. Now I knew what Ludwig meant when he said that much louder reactions were possible. At least I hadn’t started crying.

Still, I was very frustrated about the screaming and feeling so helpless because I couldn’t control it. But Ludwig told me that he liked how my reactions reflected the increasing force of the strokes. Had I screamed my head off during the whole caning it might have annoyed him, but the decreasing loss of control and composure going along with the increasing intensity of the caning and distress was something he found quite attractive…

So, these are five possible descriptions of my caning. I wouldn’t have predicted what really happened. But as you might already have guessed, on of the five descriptions tells you the real story. If you like, you can make a guess which one is true! I’ll post the correct answer in about two weeks.

Oh, one last question: We’ve shot a few pictures of the marks right after the scene. What is your opinion: Shall I post one of the pictures in two weeks, when I’m going go solve the little riddle, or shall I wait until the detailed account on the experiment in June and July? Any suggestions?


Anonymous said...

yes ... do ... post a video

Anonymous said...

WTF happened to mood pictures? their web site is dead...dead for a week now...

Ludwig said...

@ Anonymous: Apparently, there was a police raid at the Mood Pictures studio. The accusation is that they ignored a safeword and continued to cane a model even after she had called for the scene to be stopped.

At present, it is unclear how much truth there is to these accusations. If they are valid, then it is sad news indeed, especially for people like me who have in the past and in good faith defended Mood Pictures. On the other hand, I have seen enough awful, sensationalist reporting over the years to not place too much faith in what the mainstream press writes about BDSM videos. During my own visit to Mood Pictures last year, I didn't see anything of the sort - everything was consensual then and the models were treated nicely and professionally.

One will simply have to wait for more facts to emerge about what, exactly, did or didn't happen. I'll keep my eyes open and I will make a post about the news next week. In the meantime, I'd be grateful if you could keep your comments on-topic! *grins*

Indy said...

Oh, my, what a stunning experiment! Whichever outcome is correct, I hope you won't stop making fun of Ludwig about his miscounting on the Comeuppance Film!

Anonymous said...

Ok, let the guessing begin. I think we can eliminate Story C because you already mentioned not being tied down at the very beginning of the post.

I also don't think Story E fits because your reaction by even the second stroke seems too strong. You've already taken 10 full force strokes in "An Early Christmas Present" and you handled them pretty well.

I find Story A and D the most intriguing. Both stories contain similar details like Ludwig offering you a drink and coaching you on how to breathe. Maybe the're inconsequential, but it seems to me that you wouldn't include them in both story versions unless those details actually happened.

At this point I figure my chances are 50/50, so I'll just cross my fingers and cast my vote for Story D. That is my final answer.

And on the subject of bravery, Kaelah, doing this at all makes you braver than 99.9% of the people I know. Whichever story turns out to be true, I don't think you could possibly have been any braver.

Peter8862 said...

My guess lies with Story B. The photo proves there was a little gore and this is mentioned in the script. But primarily, the selfless demeanour described is just what I would expect of you in those circumstances.

Bravery is facing up to the prospect of certain pain without complaint. By any standard, you are one very plucky girl and Ludwig is one very lucky man.

catherine said...

If the question is "what is bravery?" then the answer, surely, involves attempting to overcome fear. Whether or not that is a successful attempt is actually irrelevant; the important part is how hard you try and how far you go into it.

So to play this scene when you weren't in the mood and were fearful of the possible consequences is extremely brave, and the fact that you made it through to the end is proof of how hard you tried.

As for which is the true story, I think D is the most likely. But whichever it was, it was clearly very tough, and a real achievement to make it through.


Anonymous said...

Too bad that Scene C was eliminated by the detective above, as I liked it best, personally.

Whatever is true there are not many women (and men) as brave as you. Congratulations to you both.

What I regard brave in particular is your and Ludwig´s open mind and willingness to share such experiments.
Showin personal photos in this connex is an incredible gift to the community given the social risks involved.

So thank you both and, yes, please post as much pics and footage as you find possible.

! said...

Lovely scenarios there, Kaelah. Since I have been both on the giving and receiving end of a caning/spanking, I can answer all of the questions you posed.

How much would the five different scenarios attract or annoy you? How do you define bravery? Which reactions do you find particularly interesting / sexy / annoying?

For me, it does not matter what the actual reaction is, but rather the effort that is being put into keeping still and taking the spanking. Bravery, to me in this case, would be getting up onto the whipping bench and bending over for a caning that you know would be harder than you are used to, or that you think you can take.

It is also important for the bottom to be honest about needing to stop a scene and not being so stubborn as to cause him or herself emotional or physical harm. Harm, not pain. It is also the top's responsibility to monitor the bottom's reactions and state to make a decision about how a scene should progress.

In story A, I like how the top recognised that the bottom needed a break and enforced his thoughts, despite what the bottom wanted.

In story C, I like how the bottom takes responsibility for her own safety and asks to be tied down.

Would some of the events described make you feel like a wimp? What makes you feel brave? Do you judge your own scenes differently than those of others?

There are times when I push myself harder than any top pushes me. I like to accomplish goals and I like to "tough it out." Over time, however, I have learned that there comes a point where you have to stop and mind your own safety and sanity.

While I am sometimes guilty of hiding my emotions, the way the bottom acted in Story B is not the best way to deal with shock and panic. In my experience, it is better to share your panic and work through it before continuing the scene.

As both a top and a bottom, I also think that it is better to express genuine reactions/emotions, be they loud, quiet, whiny, or stoic. To me, seeing someone's genuine reaction is better than seeing a reaction that I like, but that is a masked reaction, a reaction that is forced out because the bottom wants to be pleasing.

It is much easier, as a bottom, to embrace the experience if I am not trying to produce a fake reaction for the sake of pleasing the top and giving the top what he wants. There have been times when the top has told me to scream; but I am more of a "keep it in and let quiet tears flow out of my eyes" person, and when I was made to scream, the screaming was very forced and did not feel natural.

I probably have more to say, but this comment is already getting quite long.

As for my guess, I think Story D is what really happened. A crucial part of your personality, Kaelah, is that you always come in with a plan. Story D is the only one that mentions a plan. Also, I can imagine you being the type of person to persevere through doubts and to trust that the top does not push you past what you can handle.

Story A is eliminated, because I imagine Ludwig to be the type who would dish out at least a few additional strokes for miscounting. Story B is out, because I think you would be the type of person to express your concerns when you have them. I think you would be the type to be able to control your flinching and movement, so that eliminates story C. And I am not so sure why I would eliminate story E, but it just does not sound right. In addition, you have included a little not in parentheses in story D, "Ludwig asked me (twice!) whether I really wanted to go on and I said yes," which is pretty characteristic of your way of telling a true account.

And yes, yes, yes. Please post a picture with your next post.

frants said...

All versions imply great bravery, and I will give my comments and guess as soon as I have the time.
But first, a question: you dont say how fast or slow this caning was. Approximately how many seconds were there between each stroke? 4? 15?
Can you post a picture of that whipping bench? Best with you on it (dressed or undressed) to better show the position. Or post a link to some pic that can illustrate it, photo or drawing.

frants said...

posed like this?

or like this?

(delete this posting if such links to free pics are not wanted)

Kaelah said...

Thanks for all the interesting, detailed comments on the topic of bravery everyone, and for your guesses on which story is true. I'll write down my thoughts in more detail in the post that'll contain the answer to the riddle.

Just one little comment on the question whether some of the stories can be ruled out based on the description of the scene at the beginning of the post. That description actually is about how the caning was designed beforehand. There might have been changes during the scene, like more or longer breaks as planned or the decision to use restraints... And, all stories contain elements of the real scene and my mindset that are important to me. I'll tell you more about that, soon!

@ frants:

Actually, you see my sitting on the whipping bench in the picture at the beginning of the post. For the caning I knelt on the part of the bench that's on the left in the photo, my body lying on the higher part (the one I'm sitting on) and my hands on the other side of the bench (where my feet are in the picture). So, I was in the quadruped position, different from both positions shown in the pictures you linked to.

I'll add a picture of me on the bench to the post revealing which of the five stories is true.

Kaelah said...

@ frants: I've forgotten to answer one of your questions: Most of the time, there were about three or four seconds between the strokes!

frants said...

Oh dear.
That is fast caning, with no time to recover between strokes. And the skin of your butt would be very stretched and vulnerable.

I have a suspicion that you are braver than most readers here, and most of the Mood audience.

First quick reading: A is true(est).

Indy said...

@ E. Mark: That was a very interesting comment-- almost Ludwigesque in its length and analytical thoroughness!

@Kaelah: A couple of Ms. Mark's points resonated with me. I agree completely that a natural reaction of any kind is better than one that's solely designed to please the top. That's different from using noises of distress, pauses before the count, and so forth to let the top know how you're doing.
Pandora has a lovely post on this issue, in which she compares vocalization during a spanking to communication during sex.

I don't know if you have any inclination to try topping at all. I do think that experiencing the uncertainty of playing a hard scene as a top (though not this hard) has helped me to communicate better as a bottom. I now know what sorts of things you need to know from the other side, so I feel less like I'm imposing when I communicate with a top.

Whichever outcome is the correct one-- and I confess that for some reason, I'm content to wait and haven't tried to figure it out-- I hope you won't continue to judge your natural reactions as unworthy in some way. I'm sorry you didn't feel the heroism you'd hoped to feel, but there's no doubt that this kind of experiment takes courage, whatever the outcome.

It seems to me that part of the thrill of such a severe scene would be the unpredictability of your response. That in itself might be enough to make such a scene unattractive to someone who likes to plan for all occasions, and that's fine. I hate sticking to plans, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to do it at all!

frants said...

Post the pictures now!
I cant wait to see them.
If I have to wait much longer now, I will start howling and screaming and hyperventilating and lose count of the days and someone must tie me down or I will kick my legs and jump up and down.

Zille Defeu said...

I don't think anyone has addressed the matter of you not finding crying or anything but the most stoical of responses to be "sexy."

Everyone has their tastes, and they are all valid. If Ludwig and you both prefer the ideal of the silent suffering, then it is something to work towards -- and to enjoy when it does actually happen -- and not to get too worked up over when it doesn't!

Your response to pain will be different every single time you bend over for a caning or other CP. I know my range is from making not a peep more than controlled breathing and staying exactly in position ... to screaming and moving all over the place (even dropping down to the floor!) and generally having no control at all.

When I first started playing with my Master, I thought he had these ideals for my behaviour during the meting out of pain. I put myself through a lot of unnecessary anguish over my "failures."

In the years since, however, I've learned that he *likes* me to show the range of reactions -- he trusts me that I will always give him honest reactions and not "play things up" (unless that is agreed upon beforehand as part of the scene). Learning to let go of my perfectionist desires and simply to do my best every time and to enjoy *his enjoyment* of me responding to him ... well, learning that has made our scenes so much better.

An amusing way to think of it is: "Don't beat yourself up -- That's his job!" In the case of you, Kaelah, and me, this means that we both need to not spend to much time during or after the scene focussing on our perceived inadequacies -- it will give you no good result, and it will get in the way of the enjoyment you and Lugwig should be sharing.

Finally, to consider the matter of tears -- "breaking down" is something that can be very attractive to a Top. Often what is most arousing to them is to take us to our very limits ... and then just push us over the edge a little bit! It is the control in us consenting to let them do that to us, and also the control in catching us after we fall over the edge, which is the real reward of the scene.

I have to ask permission to blow my nose during or after pretty much every scene we do. It's become a joke between us that he's aroused by mucus! But seriously, there is so much power in someone letting you take them to a point where tears and snot pour down their face ... but *still* they hold on and take what you are giving them -- the power and control in that is undeniable. And so tears and panting like a dachshund in heat (LOL) and all of those things are made "sexy" in the crucible of the pain and his control over you.

Another way to think of it is ... if *you* keep holding on to all that control over yourself, you are denying giving it to Ludwig....

This was a great post -- very creative and thought provoking!

! said...

@ I. Jones - it's been a while since I turned my Ludwigesque switch on. It certainly felt good. I agree with you about topping helping with communication as a bottom. I also think the same about bottoming helping with being a good top.

@frants - Patience!

@Zille - I think crying is most definitely and awesome reaction; however, I can see the appeal in silent crying, where the tears run down someone's face but they do not make a sound. I, too, find that I have very different reactions to CP occasions, especially that my reactions tend to be quieter and teary-eyed when I am emotionally involved with the situation.

Kaelah said...

@ Indy and Zille:

Thanks a lot for your thought-provoking comments!

You are absolutely right, a girl who shows absolutely no reaction isn’t interesting for a spanker. Like Ludwig puts it: “If I weren’t interested in and attracted by the reactions, I would also be aroused by beating a cushion.” So, we do communicate during a scene, and I also show Ludwig how I’m doing.

But, I have to admit that I don’t find very strong reactions arousing (at least most of the time). I guess that it has something to do with the reason why I’m into spanking and with what I’m getting out of it. I haven’t got big problems to cry in Ludwig’s arms and ask him to catch me when I’m sad and feeling weak. The last year has been a pretty sad and hard one, so I’ve cried very often and released my fears. But in my spanking play I’m seeking something different. Two things I’m not good at in real life are feeling self-confident and strong and releasing my anger. That’s what I’m looking for in my spanking play: Turning my anger into fighting spirit and feeling self-confident and strengthened afterwards.

I have fantasies of being controlled, too. But those fantasies aren’t related that much to spanking, they are connected to hard sex (what I call “Klingon sex” :-) ).

Luckily, Ludwig enjoys restrained reactions in his spanking play, too. Mind you, I’m not talking about no reactions at all, I’m talking about watching a girl visibly struggling, being maybe even at 110 per cent, but still not breaking completely. Showing stronger reactions would of course be okay, too, as long as they were genuine.

Ludwig also isn’t that much interested in having control over someone. So, I think our desires are fitting very well! And I don’t feel like I’m depriving Ludwig from something when I’m trying to keep my composure, because it is a reaction that comes very natural for me and I’m feeling happy with.

However, I think I might also enjoy stronger reactions and less self-control in spanking scenes one day. But especially during that severe scene I needed my heroine-mindset. Now, that I’ve proved to myself that I can survive a 50 strokes caning without quitting or breaking, I might be more relaxed and able to let go during a scene (when I’m in the mood for it). I’ve already told Ludwig that I would love to play out some lighter scenes and try how it feels to let myself fall in such a situation. I guess that the scenario would have to be a rather caring one (something I’m seeking anyway at the moment), then it could be great to let go and let Ludwig guide me through…

@ frants:

I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait a bit. Other posts will be first. But I tried to imagine the scene you described. Could you please post a picture, if and when it happens? :-)

Zille Defeu said...

Kaelah -- I totally understand the hotness of the girl gritting her teeth, and taking it all without breaking -- lots of Janus and Blushes magazines have stories where the gals show their British "stiff upper lip."

And I really get wanting to play out a certain character or certain aspect of your personality during play. I have a very geeky "good girl" persona, and a very slutty "bad girl" persona -- and they both want their playtime! I'd be a lesser person without those sides of me (and since the "bad girl" mostly has to be put on the shelf, it's nice to get to put her on and enjoy being shameless and self-confident -- and there is a certain amount of anger releasing)!

My main point was just to caution that what our fantasies look like and what we are physically capable of do not always line up 100% on any given day -- and you shouldn't let that possibly ruin the enjoyment of a scene for you. In my (ever so humble!) opinion -- and what I've learned through painful experience is life is too short to worry about it after the fact! Every moment that you can grab with Ludwig should be enjoyed to the fullest, no matter if things go to plan or not! :)

It's funny how spanking and "Klingon sex" can be so separated. From the outside, they might seem like pretty much the same thing. But in some ways one wants to get such disparate things from them, that combining them can be difficult!

Kaelah said...

@ !:

I totally agree with you on saying that switching helps being a good top. Actually, I don’t think I would have done such a hard scene with someone who hasn’t experienced an even more severe spanking himself. I, on the other hand, don’t feel self-confident enough to play as a top, yet. But Ludwig and I have talked about him switching for me one day. He wants to teach me how to wield a cane (and I don’t think there could possibly be a better teacher for that). And with Ludwig I think the psychological part of topping will come quite natural for me. I’m looking forward to that special day, although I’m not sure that Ludwig sees it like that… ;-)

@ Zille:

I think you’re absolutely right, life is too short to beat oneself up about things one can’t change. But being a perfectionist, I always have to remind me of that. And it didn’t work concerning that very special scene, because it was supposed to be a special present for Ludwig and it was a personal challenge I wanted to win. I knew there was a high possibility that I wouldn’t ever want to repeat that experience, so I had just one chance to do it "right". But, although it wasn’t perfect (I knew beforehand that the chance for a perfect result was less than 0.00000001 per cent, anyway), I try to be happy with the fact that it went 80 per cent well, which is much more than I expected, anyway. And I try to become more relaxed in not so special situations in the future.

Before I met Ludwig, my spanking fantasies were 90 per cent M/m and nonsexual. Being with him released the "Klingon sex"-fantasies that weren’t very strong earlier, since I didn’t have a sexual partner. I think that the two categories might be getting more mixed-up in the future. By the way, the bondage-pictures I saw on your blog and some of your posts were a great inspiration for my "Klingon sex"-fantasies! Thanks a lot for that!

Zille Defeu said...

Oh, Kaelah - I've just wandered back to this post because I kept forgetting to add, "Die Toten Hosen ROCK!" to my previous posts! Great to see another fan!

Kaelah said...

@ Zille:

First you’re quoting complete dialogues from STTNG and now you’re also a fan of „Die Toten Hosen“? This is getting scary… ;-) Joking aside, it’s cool that you recognised the title and the shirt!