Kaelah's Corner (Sep 2009): Abenteuerland

This blog post is about my fantasies: how it all started in my childhood and how things changed and developed as an adult and in my relationship with Ludwig. Since this is a very complex issue, I decided to split the post into two parts. Part one will be about my personal fantasies and part two about current restrictions, hard limits and the question of how to deal with them.

I think there is nothing more personal in our lives than the dreams and fantasies we have. And I’m quite sure that most people don’t share their most intimate fantasies with anyone, not even with their partners. Telling somebody about those special pictures in our minds makes us vulnerable. On the other hand, acting out those fantasies with someone one trusts or even loves can be the greatest adventure one might explore in a lifetime. It can lead us to a beautiful new world, the “adventureland”.

Personally, I’m very glad that I’m still able to immerse myself in dreams and artificial worlds like I did in my childhood. In my opinion life isn’t worth living any more once one looses this ability. This is beautifully illustrated in an adventure of the cartoon figure Tabaluga, a young dragon. He is sent to a journey by his father to learn how to become reasonable. At the end of his journey he meets the old, wise turtle Nessaja. She tells Tabaluga about herself: “Somewhere deep inside me I remained the child I used to be. Once I can’t feel it any more, I’ll know that it’s too late for me.” And Nessaja finally ends with: “Grown up – what does that mean? Reasonable – who is reasonable? I am I, and you are you. That’s all I know. You are young and I am old, but does that make any difference?”

I had a lot of fantasies in my childhood and still have them today, both vanilla and kinky. Since this is a spanking blog, I’m going to focus on the kinky scenarios. But I’m also going to tell you a little bit about my other dreams because the desires they are based upon are similar. The settings which are the most important for me can be divided into four categories. Naming them with buzzwords I would call them “Caring Guidance”, “Saving The Ship”, “Rituals And Growth” and “Klingon Sex”.

Caring Guidance

This category describes the essence of my oldest kinky fantasies. These scenarios are based upon children’s books and movie scenes I watched as a child. Interestingly, they are usually M/m and I’m just in the role of an observer slipping into the minds of the top as well as the bottom. I guess there are two reasons for the M/m-setting: Reason one is that I loved reading books for boys and was mainly inspired by them. The other reason is that as a teenager, I had more male than female friends and wanted to be accepted by them as an equal.

In my “Caring Guidance”-fantasies, there is always a very close relationship between the boy (usually a cadet) and his guardian. And the boys in my fantasies are usually quite grown-up, sensible and determined to do well. Things just sometimes don’t work as planned, which gets the boys into trouble. Because of their special relationship their guardians put extremely high expectations on them. This, of course, leads to rather severe punishments. But although the guardians might be strict, they are never brutal or losing control. They are always calm and compassionate, and they never deprive their protégés of love. Their aim is simply to provide them with a good future. And since the boys themselves usually aren’t happy about their misconduct, the spankings are normally at least semi-consensual.

Needless to say, these are just kinky fantasies and I don’t approve of any kind of CP in the education of real children! I’m not sure whether I would actually like to act out those ageplay-scenarios. Maybe I’ll try that one day with Ludwig to see how it feels like. Apart from that, the “Caring Guidance”-fantasies are still the ones I’m immersing myself in when I’m lying in bed wanting to feel cosy and save. Especially on the days when Ludwig isn’t there to hold me and I have no one to snuggle against in order to feel safe and warm.

Saving the Ship

This title refers to an imaginary world which is at least as old as my “Caring Guidance”-fantasies. A world that is 95 % not-kinky and has been the most important fictional place I went to when daydreaming, for a very long time in my life. It is a universe of its own that has grown and changed over the years.

And I play an active role in that scenario; as a heroine. But not the flat type who is just good, sweet and helpful all day long. More the kind of heroine with a complex personality, who is aware of her dark, aggressive side and even embraces it. But at the end of the day, she always uses all her abilities, including her aggression, to fight for her beliefs and for others who can’t defend themselves.

This fictional universe contains institutions and characters from all the fictive books, TV series and movies I love. The most interesting point is how my character developed over the years. When I was younger, I imagined that I was a police cadet with very special abilities who was therefore allowed to join the academy at a very young age. Almost like Wesley Crusher in STTNG (what a surprise!). Actually, in my little fantasy universe, Wesley was one of my cousins… ;-) Being a police cadet I had caring guardians who helped me to grow. Without much disciplinary spanking – as I already mentioned this universe is 95 % vanilla. And I was part of a gang of friends who stood by each other and had a lot of fun together.

So my heroine-me had everything I longed for and was the person I wanted to be in real life. Like the fantasy-me I always tried to give my best und to fight for my beliefs. But in reality, it didn’t earn me much friendship and respect, especially among my peers. Being an eager beaver simply isn’t considered to be cool when you’re at school. And unlike the heroine-me I wasn’t that self-confident and I couldn’t release my anger and use it in a positive way. So in reality there always was that inner fight between my values and beliefs on the one hand and the desire to be liked and accepted on the other. I usually stuck to my beliefs and made being an outsider my profession, but it still hurt.

And then, during the last couple of years, things changed. The heroine-me developed from a teenager into an independent young woman and from a student into a teacher who passed on her knowledge to others. This character development correlated with my personal development, starting to stand on my own feet and feeling more self-confident than before. So the desire for guidance has become weaker while the part of me that wants to take care of others has become stronger. This makes me wonder, whether my kinky role plays also would have been different from what they are today if I had decided to live out my fantasies a few years ago? Maybe it’s possible to go back there during a scene?!

A little side-note on my heroine universe. Since I’ve become Ludwig’s mate I said goodbye to that little world which accompanied me for so many years. Why? In my fantasy universe I had already raised a family a long time ago with a husband, two children and a third one planned. When I became Ludwig’s mate I realised that this world didn’t fit into my real life any more. After all, I’m a monogamous person… I didn’t have to think a lot about that question, there just wasn’t any desire to enter that fictional universe any more. So I finally said farewell and started my new adventures in real life. I’ll always keep my little heroine universe in my heart, though, and treasure the memories of the time I spent there. But everything has got its time in life – and not needing my second life any more shows me that now with Ludwig I’m finally at home!

Rituals and Growth

The more elaborated scenarios I’m playing out today with Ludwig belong in this category. These fantasies are related to the “Caring Guidance” as well as the heroine world. They’re about personal development, challenges and accomplishing missions successfully. But in contrast to my older fantasies they are something that I can only describe as “more adult”. This means that the master of ceremonies and the aspirant are basically at eye level. The aspirant makes the wilful decision to accept the challenge and hand over control to the MC for the duration of the ritual. That kind of scenario appeals to my buzz for warriors. I love warrior cultures – the Japanese samurai as well as Klingon warriors. And performing a ritual has a special attraction of its own. Ceremonies offer the kind of structure and security I love and long for.

Ludwig believes in the theory that SM-play can be a way to successfully deal with problems one has encountered during childhood or as an adult. One can relive those situations during the role play and change them into something positive. If this theory is true, it best fits my “Rituals And Growth”-fantasies. They’re about taking challenges and growing from the experiences – things I always tried to achieve in my life. But in real life I often struggled with my self-confidence, didn’t always respect my own limits and instead kept setting my aims higher and higher until I nearly broke under the pressure.

In the role play, however, I have someone whom I deeply trust and who leads me through the experience. My limits might be challenged but I’m not pushed to a point where I break and can’t take it. The rituals provide the security I need to give up control and let myself fall. And instead of being pushed somewhere I don’t want to be, I’m encouraged to go as far as I can without the fear of making unhealthy experiences and getting hurt. And last but not least, it also offers the opportunity to set free the aggressions inside me that I can’t express very well otherwise, and to use them in a positive way – as a source of energy for my fighting spirit.

Klingon Sex

Maybe the most difficult, intimate and personal fantasy. It’s all about fighting, power and submission. While the spanking scenarios in my mind have always been caring and almost consensual, there have been different kinds of fantasies, too. However, those fantasies have always been related more to – how should I call it – “vanilla” sex than to spanking. They are about being subdued and controlled by a strong counterpart.

I love fighting with someone who is stronger than me. Ludwig and I are fighting quite often, not in resistance play during spanking scenes, but just for fun on different occasions. I know that I can’t win the fight, but I enjoy the rare moments when I can surprise Ludwig with an unexpected idea or move. These fights are very playful on the one hand, but they also allow us to release aggressions and turn them into a positive kind of energy.

I think that my fantasies of being subdued and taken are closer to those fighting fantasies than to something like rape fantasies. I liked the idea of being forced and controlled, but when I read something about rape fantasies it didn’t feel like the thing I was looking for. Then I thought about the concept of Klingon sex and suddenly realised: That’s it!

I don’t look for a scenario where I’m abused by someone (maybe even a stranger) for his own pleasure. What I want is giving up control to a strong partner – my partner. Being my partner he just gives me what I’m craving, showing his love in a powerful, rather dominant and sometimes sadistic way. Does that make any sense? The actual scenes might even be quite close to rape fantasies, but the mindset is different.

Before I knew what I was really longing for, I always thought that these fantasies were just mind games. I couldn’t imagine that I would enjoy them in real life. But actually, they are the fantasies that have developed the most since I’m with Ludwig. It’s something rather new for both of us that we are exploring together. And I know that Ludwig is the one I can hand over control to without fear, that I can enjoy whatever he decides to do.

So, these are my imaginations and the fantasies I’m currently exploring with Ludwig. When I read about the fantasies other spankos have, I sometimes have the feeling that, while the basic scenarios are quite similar, the mindset I’m seeking seems to be rather uncommon. The kind of scenarios I’m currently not looking for will be the subject of part two of this post.

In the meantime, I would of course love to hear about your fantasies and how they developed. Have you also started as a mere observer in your first fantasies? Have you ever evaluated which desires the scenarios in your mind are based upon, what you get out of them? Do you think there are “typical” mindsets and fantasies most spankos share? There are so many interesting questions… I’m looking forward to reading your thoughts!

(Note from Ludwig: since Kaelah took a fairly hard 12 stroke caning just for the little "comic strip" at the beginning of this post, I thought we should also show you a picture of the marks before we applied the comic book effects. So, in case anyone was wondering if the red stripes are painted on or real, they are of course real. Aren't they gorgeous?)