Kaelah's Corner (Jul 2011): Mirror Mirror

In my Kaelah's Corner post Therapy? and the follow-up post Speculative Questions I asked the rather controversial questions whether therapeutic effects explain a (smaller or bigger) part of our spanking fantasies and kinky relationships. Both posts led to a very lively discussion in the comment section. Among other things, the question came up whether it is possible to speculate about other people's experiences and motives at all and whether there is an inherent risk of being judgemental and spreading prejudices.

I absolutely agree that it is usually very difficult to know what's behind the surface. What are the motives and drives for someone's kinky fantasies? How does the dynamic of a particular kinky couple really work? As Abel's comment showed, for instance, visible factors like age differences don't necessarily tell us anything about the power dynamics in a kinky relationship. I also think that our points of view towards different forms of play and relationships depend on our personal experiences, desires and fears, and therefore can be prejudiced.

But for me that doesn't mean that one shouldn't explore these topics. On the contrary, from my point of view it calls for a more intense analysis, for a closer look both into the mirror and into the world. Which prejudices do I have? Where do they come from? And are these prejudices completely unfounded or not?

A big part of the discussion on the Therapy? post was centred around the topic of kinky relationships and especially relationships which involve a unidirectional power dynamics. I thought a lot about my own opinion about these kinds of kinky relationships and came to the conclusion that I am indeed prejudiced against them. So, I would like to take a closer look at this topic today.

I want to begin with a more detailed definition of what I mean when I'm talking about a “unidirectional power dynamics”. First of all, I'm not talking about role-play, where one person is always the top and the other always the bottom. I'm talking about relationships in which both partners have clearly defined roles which are (more or less) permanently valid, also beyond kink. Secondly, these roles have to be designed in a way that assigns one partner with a leading responsibility while the other partner has a responsibility to follow their partner's advice and/or certain rules which have been agreed upon. And third, the leading partner holds the following partner accountable for misdeeds.

Of course, Annapurna was absolutely right when he said that there are vanilla relationships with a power imbalance as well! As a matter of fact, the reason why I personally never ever want to live in a partnership with such a power dynamics and why I have such a negative gut feeling towards this form of relationship is that I have seen negative examples in vanilla partnerships, especially in the generation of my parents and grandparents.

Luckily, there were other examples even in my grandparents' generation as well. While my grandfather and grandmother on one side of the family lived the “classical” life of working man and housewife, there never was a unidirectional power dynamics between them. When my grandmother unexpectedly got very ill, my grandfather took over at home and cared for her for many years until she passed away. He also was the one who cooked when I visited my grandparents as a child.

I've seen women, though, who were not only emotionally dependent on their partners, but who also depended on them financially. These women couldn't leave their husbands even if the relationship developed in a bad direction, because they neither had the financial background nor the self-confidence to lead a self-dependent life. And there were some people, women as well as men, who were completely helpless when their partner became ill or, even worse, died. The women because some of them didn't even know how a simple bank transfer worked and the men because some of them didn't know how to cook the most simple meal or how to switch on the washing machine.

So, this is where my prejudices against relationships with a power imbalance come from. The question is, do the risks and possible negative outcomes which I have observed in the vanilla world apply to kinky relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics as well?

In the discussion on my post Therapy?, the question was raised whether bottoms who are living in such a relationship would be helpless without their partner. I don't think that most of the people who are engaged in a kinky partnership with a unidirectional power dynamics would be unable to care for themselves if they hadn't got their partner. But I'm of the opinion that the relationship makes life easier, which can be a good thing but also a bad thing, depending on how the people involved really use their relationship. From my point of view there can be two general ways of using a unidirectional power dynamics in a kinky relationship:

If "girls" / "boys" / submissives use the relationship to grow from it and to build up self-confidence through the knowledge that they have a daddy / mummy / master / mistress or HOH who loves and bolsters them, I consider that to be a good thing. And if the top gets something out of helping her or his partner to grow, I think that's a good thing as well.

There is another possible way of using that kind of power dynamics, though, and that is the form that comes close to what I have experienced in the vanilla world and feel highly uncomfortable about. What I'm talking about is the combination of a bottom who doesn't want to grow up at all and a top who doesn't want a grown-up, equal partner, either. To my mind, this form of relationship is very unhealthy and can lead to quite horrible situations similar to the ones I've described above. I assume that this is also the form of relationship Bogey (of Our Bottoms Burn) had in mind when he admitted to having prejudices against daddy - girl relationships.

I'm not sure how many kinky relationships are that extreme, though. That's why I'm more careful with being judgemental about kinky relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics in general. But some of the relationships I know about in our community seem to fall somewhere in between the two forms of relationships which I have described, and I think that some of them show a worrying tendency towards the latter, potentially unhealthy form.

Interestingly, there seem to be other people out there who have made similar observations of what they consider unhealthy kinky relationships. While Bogey and, to a certain extent, Georgia openly admitted to having negative gut feelings towards kinky relationships with a permanent power imbalance, private feedback showed that there seem to be more people who have made experiences with relationships of this form which they found problematic. But they would rather talk about it in private than in public.

Obviously, there is a fear of generalising and of hurting people when talking openly about this subject. But while I absolutely agree that one must be careful not to make generalisations and not to judge others based on isolated experiences or mere gut feelings (this isn't about judging people, it's a critical discussion about lifestyle choices, anyway), I find it a bit sad that a completely open and honest discussion about this topic doesn't seem to be possible in our community. And I have to admit that it also leaves me with the feeling that there might be some truth to the assumption that there is not only a fair number of relationships with a unidirectional power dynamics in our community, but that a certain percentage of them really constitutes the potentially unhealthy kind which can prevent people from growing instead of helping them to grow.

Just to make that clear, I'm only talking about my personal opinion towards certain aspects here and the question of how I evaluate a certain way of life. Growth and self-reliance are very important to me (for me they are essential parts of life as a responsible adult) and I prefer to be among people who stand up for themselves.

But others might have very different needs than I have and everyone is of course entitled to their own lifestyle! However someone chooses to live their life or not, and regardless of how happy or unhappy it makes them or how well it works or doesn't work for them - it is their own decision and I wouldn't want to tell anyone how to live their life as long as their choices don't affect me.

That being said, I do take the freedom to voice critical thoughts about possible pros and cons of different lifestyles, in a careful and respectful way. And I sometimes wish that there would be more open and controversial discussions out there in our community, because I think we can learn from them. Even if it's just gaining a better understanding of our personal prejudices and where they are coming from. To my mind open discussions usually do more than that - they can lead to more balanced opinions and the reduction of generalized prejudices. As long as the participants of the discussion listen to each other, that is.

Of course there is a certain point where people shouldn't be allowed to do whatever they want to do, though. In her comment on my Therapy? post, Indy raised the question how often kink is used to cover real abuse. I think that there can indeed be a very thin line between consensual kinky play and situations where someone doesn't really have the freedom of choice that is a necessary precondition for consent. But that is an important topic of its own which clearly deserves a separate post.

Mastering The Cane

(Unfortunately I can't post pictures from the

original scene. This was my outfit, though.)

In my last post Mind Going Blank I wrote about a recent scene that didn't go as planned due to me having been in a rather angry and moody state of mind. Of course these things can happen when strong emotions are taking over during a scene. I don't know about your experiences, but being in an emotional state can also be a driver that makes me crave spanking and sex, though. So, being in a rather emotional mindset can have its positive sides as well. To my mind it is a matter of how strong these emotions are. When I'm in a completely moody state or the stress factor is really high, my desire for kinky play and sex decreases. As long as the stress and the emotions are still manageable, though, they can lead to an even bigger desire for spanking and sexual pleasure than usual.

Depending on the situation and the mood I'm in, the cravings can be very diverse. Sometimes I simply long for diving deeply into the joys of pure sexual pleasure. At other times I crave a sensual stress relief spanking. Or I just want to give up control for a little while and focus on what Ludwig does to me and the images it creates in my head.

This time it was different, though. This time I was in the mood for taking over control, for being on top. I'm not sure whether my toppy mood had something to do with the fact that my own pain threshold was so low that it was difficult to play on the bottom side. I assume that it had something to do with the anger that was brewing inside me beyond the surface and the feeling of not being in control of the things that determined my current life. What I sought was a positive counter-experience. Ludwig told me that being slightly angry or annoyed can put him in a very toppy mood, as long as the emotions aren't too strong (if you are really angry, you should not top, obviously). The same seems to be true for me.

I had been teasing Ludwig the whole weekend, slapping and squeezing his bottom whenever I got the chance to do so. Now, as you all know, Ludwig is predominantly a top who only switches on rare occasions. But when I'm in a genuinely toppy mood, the idea of bottoming sometimes develops a certain appeal for Ludwig as well. Which was exactly what happened this time. So, he agreed to take a severe 20 strokes caning from me, simply to let me practice the wielding of that implement.

I only had the chance to cane Ludwig once, so far. At that time my technique only allowed me a medium high severity level, not because of the accuracy (which was always fine) but because I only managed to reach a certain maximum velocity. Since then I had practised a lot, though, and changed my technique so that it enabled me to hit harder.

For video clips Ludwig has been caned twice, one time by Niki Flynn and a second time by Leia-Ann Woods. When we shot the football bet clip with Leia-Ann, Ludwig and I agreed that I would only be her co-top for the back-whipping and not for the caning, because I wasn't experienced enough with the cane. Ludwig thinks about doing one last very severe caning on camera, though, and as you can imagine, I want to be the one who administers it. But, since we usually don't play with others and since Ludwig doesn't want to switch regularly, I won't get the chance to practise very often. Which means that my only chance is to be a fast learner.

So, when Ludwig agreed on letting me cane him, this was my chance to see whether I could do it. Pandora wrote a wonderful post about a shoot for Spanked in Uniform in which she got to cane the beautiful Amelia-Jane Rutherford. In that post Pandora wrote about the experience of wielding the cane: Topping or bottoming, I’m confident with the cane. […] That confidence carries over when I’m the one wielding it. I love practising my skills, the rush of delight at a stroke well delivered. It feels a bit like showing off, but in the best possible way.

Even though I'm not as confident with the cane as Pandora when I'm on the receiving end, it is my number one choice as a top. Two important reasons for that are the elegance of the cane and the beautiful marks that it produces, the main reasons why I like being caned as well, even though I don't like the kind of pain that canes produce. Another important reason is that a cane needs skill to be wielded accurately and the idea of mastering this difficult implement and being a safe caner is a very attractive and powerful one. Last but not least, the cane is Ludwig's number one implement of choice, on the giving as well as on the receiving end. And that increases the appeal of using it on him even more.

I refrained from topping Ludwig as long as I didn't feel relaxed enough, but after we had talked a lot of things through on that weekend and my emotions had calmed down, I reminded him of his offer. I knew exactly how I wanted Ludwig to be positioned during the spanking and prepared the room accordingly. Knowing that this would be a rare opportunity, I also decided to set up a camera for a private little clip. Unfortunately I had only one camera available, so I decided for a perspective that would allow me to see the developing marks as well as at least Ludwig's physical reactions and to analyse my caning technique.

I hadn't practised for a while and so I did a few test strokes. I didn't have much space but it worked. The sound of the cane striking my training blanket echoed through the room and I was quite happy with my accuracy as well. But the question remained: Would I be self-confident and accurate enough to administer a severe but safe caning to Ludwig? For some reason I didn't really doubt that and so I went to the bedroom in order to change into fitting clothes for the scene.

Then I called Ludwig and told him to take a position on all fours over the whipping bench, completely naked. He did as he was told. I caressed his back and then took my position on his left. I took a safe stand, aimed, drew back my arm and the first stroke landed on Ludwig's bottom with a crack. The stroke was on target. And it elicited a nice, very restrained by still audible reaction from Ludwig. A second stroke followed. Both strokes hadn't been soft, but not too severe, either. The third one was harder. I took a look at the first results of my handiwork. Three accurate lines so far. The last one ended a little bit closer to Ludwig's right hip than the previous two because of the higher velocity. I decided to take a little step back, not wanting the strokes to wrap around Ludwig's hip.

And then I laid down stroke after stroke, taking a break from time to time in order to admire my handiwork. Some of the next strokes went a bit high. They were still on Ludwig's bottom, which was why I thought at first that they were still on target. But they had landed on the upper part of Ludwig's bottom, which involved a theoretical risk of hitting the spine, at least in the position Ludwig had taken. Not one of them caused any unintended damage, but after Ludwig's feedback I decided to aim a bit lower. I didn't want to hit the legs, but it was still better to take the risk of hitting too low than taking the risk of hitting too high.

Since the scene was designed as a training session, I didn't do much in terms of psychological topping. But I tried several little things like varying the speed and teasing Ludwig that it was his own fault that the caning was more severe than the previous one he had received from me, since it had been him who had told me to practise. Watching stripe after stripe appear on Ludwig's bottom was a wonderful and satisfying experience. And I enjoyed his beautiful reactions. They were restrained but still visible and audible. It was obvious that Ludwig was indeed feeling the strokes and that they challenged him, though he stayed of course on top.

After an especially hard last stroke the caning was over. When I inspected the marks, running my fingers over the welts on Ludwig's bottom, I felt very happy. The marks were beautiful and the feeling of being able to administer a caning at such a severity level so accurately and safely was very satisfying. I know that I'm a very lucky woman, having a partner who from time to time sacrifices his bottom for me. Ludwig didn't enjoy the pain of the caning itself, but I hope that he can appreciate the resulting pictures and our private little clip at least half as much as I do!

Mind Going Blank

My last long weekend with Ludwig featured a lot more spanking action than usual. Unfortunately, I am in a quite vulnerable and aggressive mood at the moment, having a lot of dark and scary thoughts on my mind. In addition to that, or maybe because of that, my pain threshold is very low as well. And so, two out of three scenes sadly didn't go all that well.

I am going to tell you about one of them today. This is a highly emotional and very personal account. I'm curious to hear about your experiences and thoughts, but please be careful with uttering judgements. I think it is wrong to create the impression that spanking play always goes smoothly, though. Sometimes there are a lot of emotions involved, sometimes one finds out during a scene that one is in the wrong mood and sometimes landmines are hit. It happens, it is part of TTWD and to my mind talking about it openly and honestly is the best way of dealing with it. So here it goes:

When the scene started, Ludwig and I had already spent some spanking-free days together and I was really looking forward to getting spanked. Ludwig and I hadn't talked about a scenario for the spanking, he just ordered me to bring him a short OTK-suitable cane and drape myself over his lap on the bed. When the short cane that I found first was the peeled one, I knew that this one would most probably feel worse than the unpeeled one we have.

I have a very ambiguous relationship with canes in general and with peeled ones in particular. Pandora wrote a wonderful post about how great a caning can be if one manages to ride the waves of pain, but how easily one can loose one's grip and drown as well. I love canes for their elegance and the accurate marks they produce. But I hate (and I mean hate, not love-hate) the stingy kind of pain which is the trademark of especially the peeled specimen. Interestingly, severity is not really the point here.

Depending on my condition and the warm-up (if there was one at all), a medium-severe caning can feel as bad as or even worse than a very severe one because the pain is even more stingy. That's why while having made several wonderful experiences with canes there have also been some where I nearly or actually drowned and didn't enjoy the scene very much. And as our more regular readers know, I'm not one of those people who love the feeling of having been caned even if they hated the caning itself. When I feel pushed beyond my limits during a scene, the bad feeling remains.

I didn't want to delay the spanking by searching for our short unpeeled cane, though, and I didn't really see a reason for avoiding the peeled one (after all, my last experience with it had been great), so I grabbed it, handed it over to Ludwig and draped myself across his knee. He started out with a hand spanking and I drifted a bit into one of my favourite fantasy characters and scenarios, a young male goody-two-shoes navy cadet being spanked by the strict but caring commander for having unintentionally broken the rules. But Ludwig had something different in mind.

One outcome of my recent mood had been that I had been very critical of Ludwig's efforts of proofreading my PhD thesis and of helping me with emotional support and suggestions on how to deal with some unexpected changes and new requirements. We are ticking quite differently in some aspects, so Ludwig's ideas of how to handle a certain situation don't always work for me. But my moody state had disabled me to tell Ludwig calmly what I needed. Instead, I had closed down and become quite aggressive. Several days earlier I had told Ludwig that we could probably use that situation for a scene in which he might be able to release some of his frustration and I might be able to let go.

I knew that this would be very thin ice, though, since I'm not into real-life DD and the idea of a spanking under the premise that Ludwig or anyone else might really think that I “deserve” it is a complete turn-off and no-go area. For me, spanking is just consensual erotic play. Nothing more and nothing less. If it can also be used for relaxation or as a kind of make-up sex that helps Ludwig and me to bond again, great. But for me, there is no such thing as a deserved spanking among adults.

Ludwig decided to take the challenge to integrate the current situation into our play, though, and started talking about my recent unkind reactions on his tries to support me. He switched to the cane. The strokes were only medium-severe, but totally unbearable for me. I wasn't prepared for this and instantly started to cry, gripping my hands into the duvet. Ludwig looked after me and suggested that it might be good for me to cry a bit and to release some pressure. At that time I agreed with him. I usually don't use spankings for a cathartic cry, but I had done so once and it had worked well.

Ludwig assumed that only a caning would enable me to cry further, that a hand spanking wasn't severe enough for that purpose. I told him that a hand spanking might work as well, once I was in the right mood (it did the last time). But he decided to stick with the cane. The feeling that this was too much for me increased and I was instantly crying again, plus wriggling and kicking. I pressed my face into the mattress and grabbed the duvet with both hands. Ludwig stopped again after a short time. I was silent, crying and not looking at him. Ludwig told me that I really had my ways of making his anger fade, that he couldn't be angry any more when he saw me like that. I answered that this hadn't be my intention at all and that I wasn't a good enough actor to do something like that on purpose.

Maybe I should have stopped the scene right at that point but I was already quite confused by now and of course I didn't want to ruin the scene or look like I wanted to back out. The thing was that I didn't cry because I felt sorry for my recent rude behaviour towards Ludwig. I cried because the spanking felt unbearable and because it brought up very dark thoughts and aggressions. I already had been in a state of anger the days before but hadn't really let it out.

Ludwig of course didn't know about the storm that was brewing and continued with the caning. He lectured me (in character but with the background that he had really been annoyed) that this might help me to remember not to be so rude to him the next time he wanted to help me. Around that point I completely lost my grip and drowned. The severity of the caning (which left only very few marks that were still visible the next day) felt completely over the top and it felt unjustified and wrong. A wave of anger, frustration and fear came up and my mind went blank. I got stiff, I was crying again, wriggling and kicking, but I neither tried to get away, nor did I say a word.

Ludwig realised that something was going wrong. He tried to remind me that using these real-life incidents as a premise for a spanking hadn't been his idea (and that therefore I didn't have to be scared that he really thought I deserved a spanking). So, he asked me whether I remembered that I had come up with that idea. I should have answered him that this was true, but that it wasn't working this way because the spanking was more than I could bear and therefore the scene felt like a real beating and not like consensual kinky make-up sex any more. I should have told him that I couldn't feel sorry for my behaviour right now because new things had come up and I was angry and scared. But my mind was completely blank and I didn't manage to answer at all. Ludwig asked me whether I had lost my voice and I silently nodded.

Still Ludwig assumed that crying would be a cathartic experience for me, since I had told him so at the beginning. A few strokes later I was crying heavily again, though, and Ludwig made a new try to find out what was wrong. He asked me whether I was afraid that he wouldn't love me any more because he had been angry, and reassured me that this wasn't the case. Unfortunately, this didn't work either, because a little voice in my head screamed: “I don't give a damn whether you are angry upon me or not because I'm f***ing angry and I'm f***ing scared because of these dark thoughts that have flooded my mind!”

After some more strokes Ludwig decided to stop. He softly touched me, having come to the conclusion that the scene didn't really work for me at that time and that care and pleasure might help me more than pain. But when he tried to caress me at more intimate places, I shook my head. Ludwig's comment that he liked that OTK cane because he was able to provoke stronger reactions with it without having to beat me severely and causing too many marks didn't lighten my mood, either. Ludwig invited me to cuddle up to him and to lay my head on his chest. I did so, but not without snapping at him that he didn't get what was going on. Ludwig became very sad: “Okay, what have I done wrong this time?”

I couldn't answer him. My mind was blank again. So, we lay there silently side-by-side for a long time. My thoughts became darker and darker, but I couldn't give a clear rational explanation of what was going on. And I was deeply scared of saying a wrong word, scared of loosing my partner when telling him about my fears and doubts, but also scared of lying to him when trying to downplay my state of mind. After a while I managed to talk about my fears about the future and how they dominated and scared me and made it nearly impossible to think clearly and to know what I felt. When Ludwig asked me whether I still loved and wanted him, I broke down, repeating again and again that I didn't want to loose him.

Ludwig held me and calmed me down and now I really felt the catharsis of having let it all out. And there was indeed also pleasure a bit later for both of us, mine including a few strokes with the riding crop which I appreciated very much.

Of course strong (and not completely unfound) fears about the future aren't something that can be solved in one day. It takes time to see where they really come from, what they tell us (because fears are a good alarm system that tells us a lot about our needs) and what course of action they imply. I had a light bulb moment a few days ago and now understand a bit better what is going on with me. That doesn't mean that (Ludwig and) I have a solution, yet, but at least the whole situation isn't so scary any more for the INTJ-me. I just wished I would already have been able to communicate my state of mind better during the spanking because then the scene might have turned out differently.

Kaelah's Corner (Jun 2011): Get In The Ring

In my last post Speculative Questions I told you how important it is for me to discuss  controversial questions openly in our community and to talk not only about the positive experiences but about negative things and even prejudices as well. The important preconditions for fruitful discussions like that are of course a certain awareness of one's own prejudices and where they come from, a clear distinction between personal preferences and moral issues, and generally a careful and respectful approach when exploring controversial topics.

Originally I had planned to start such a discussion today, but a horrid example of how NOT to approach sensitive topics got in the way. In his post A rant. But justifiable, I think. Abel wrote about an article he had come across at The Independent. It is about a murder of a 13-year-old girl by a violent rapist. In court, the defense (trying to create an alternative explanation for the disappearance of the girl) questioned the father of the 13-year-old victim in detail about his sexual preferences because he possessed fetish pornography and BDSM equipment.

The author of the article, Joan Smith, justified the treatment of the victim's family, claiming: […] it is hard to see why possession of such material by the father of two teenage daughters should ever be treated as an entirely private matter. Looking at extreme pornography and acquiring restraints for use during sex are worrying behaviours, and it isn't hard to imagine circumstances – a custody battle, for example – in which they might even be interpreted as potentially abusive. Indeed, what is so extraordinary about the outpouring of sympathy for Bob Dowler [the victim's father] is that so many commentators have been willing to overlook what this might imply about his feelings towards women […]

So, every man looking at fetish porn and owning some bondage gear is probably a rapist and / or murderer? I don't think that I need to tell any of our readers what complete nonsense Ms Smith's assumptions are. But I believe that it is very important to not only write about prejudiced articles here in the kinky community where everybody agrees anyway, it is even more important to stand up against prejudiced accusations in the “vanilla world”. That's why I followed Abel's example and posted a comment in the comment section of the original article, and so did Ludwig. Here is what I wrote:

Dear Ms Smith,

the murder of a child is one of the most horrible things that one can think of. So, in my opinion, abusing an article about such a horrible and highly emotional case to spread your bigoted ideas of sexuality and raise prejudices against people who have certain sexual preferences is highly disrespectful and disgusting.

It is common scientific knowledge that being into BDSM is a sexual preference that is unusual in the sense that it applies only to a statistical minority of people, but not in any way abnormal in the sense of being sick or dangerous. Your comment on what Mr Dowler's preference for BDSM “might imply about his feelings towards women” shows that you clearly have no informed opinion about the subject at all. Your vague accusations not only defame men who are into BDSM, they are also extremely rude and patronizing towards women who live in a relationship that involves BDSM play.

I am into BDSM and I live in a very happy relationship with a like-minded partner. From my experience, BDSM play requires not only a high degree of respect, but also a very high amount of trust. Our partnership is based on equality, love, openness, honesty, respect and trust. And, before any other prejudices come up: I am a well-educated, self-reliant and independent woman with a successful professional career. So, I am in no way dependent on my partner.

Last but not least I would like to add that I'm very glad to see that Ms Smith's prejudices don't seem to be shared by the majority of the commenters. It's good to see that it doesn't seem to be so easy any more to use emotional topics in order to instigate hatred against minorities.

It was indeed good to see that most of the commenters, in contrast to Ms Smith, knew the difference between consensual erotic practises on the one and violence and murder on the other side. But I think that it would be great to have more intelligent comments from people who have insights into BDSM play. So, please, if you can find the time, write a short comment on Ms Smith's article. And of course you are very welcome to repost your comments or write additional ones here as well.

Speculative Questions

In my last Kaelah's Corner post Therapy? I asked the controversial questions whether therapeutic effects explain a (smaller or bigger) part of our spanking fantasies and form of kinky relationships and whether certain experiences and patterns are more common in the kinky community than in society as a whole.

The reason for these questions was that I had come across several very different observations that had made me wonder, because they fell into one of the following two categories: The first types of observations were evidence or descriptions of negative experiences, especially physical self-harm and different forms of neglect or abuse during childhood, which I came across several times in our community but with which I had been confronted much less often in my vanilla environment. The second types of observations were about different forms of kinky partnerships which all seemed to incorporate a unidirectional power dynamics, something that I have experienced in my vanilla life as being rather negative for the people involved, but which didn't seem to be seen (or at least discussed) critically in our kinky community.

I'm always interested to learn about how kink, kinky play and kinky relationships work for others and how they work for me. And I always try to understand where the various forms of play and relationships come from and what people are getting out of them. So the observations which I had made raised many questions.

Concerning the first category of observations, I asked myself why I seemed to come across these things more often in the kinky community than in my vanilla environment. Now, as Indy pointed out in her comment on my original post, it is difficult to compare one's vanilla environment with the part of the kinky environment one is engaged in. And we all know only a small subgroup of kinksters. Ludwig and I are mostly active in certain parts of the online community and we know a few people from the local community as well. So, maybe the different experiences that I had made in the kinky community and in my vanilla community were just based on the general differences between the kinky and vanilla people I knew? Or maybe I had heard more about these things in the kinky community because there was a higher degree of openness about them among kinksters? I wasn't sure about any of these ideas and that's why I decided to ask the readers about their observations and experiences.

I was even more unsure about the question whether childhood experiences or experiences with self-harm could also affect one's kinky play and if so, in which way. I had seen people who had obviously made experiences with self-harm but didn't seem to practise it any more. There were statements of people who wrote about how they made experiences in their kink which they had missed during their childhood, like feeling guided or cared for. I had also made the observation that my personal kinky fantasies often seemed to be positive counterparts to negative experiences which I had made and to my insecurities, and that my spanking play empowered me.

That's why I had the idea that kinky play and kinky relationships could maybe be used in the same positive way concerning others' negative experiences and resulting insecurities. Hence my “therapy”-hypothesis. Ludwig emphasized on a very important point in his comment: Using spanking as a form of self-therapy obviously doesn't have to be a bad thing. I'm not sure whether I pointed this out clearly enough in my original post, but I hope that the symbolic picture which I had taken for the post already showed it.

On the other hand, I also made some negative obvservations which gave me cause for concern. I knew people who had made negative experiences earlier in their lives and then got hurt in their spanking play as well. And I came across people who stopped certain forms of kinky play, claiming that these had been based on self-destructive tendencies and therefore dangerous for them. So, I came up with my last question: Could kinky play be unhealthy as well, and under which circumstances?

I know that the question of kink and health is a sensitive question, but from my point of view it is also a necessary and important one. And I think that one can make assumptions about what might or might not be healthy and under which circumstances, especially if these assumptions are based on actual statements of people who have experienced certain situations which they later considered either as healthy or unhealthy for themselves.

The questions concerning the second category of observations were quite similar. Again I asked myself whether there were really more partnerships with a unidirectional power dynamics in our kinky community than in society as a whole. If so, what did they give those who were involved in them and in which positive ways could they be used? And, last but not least, were there similar downsides as the ones which I had experienced with the people in my vanilla environment?

Pandora commented that asking about motives for kink and motivations in kinky relationships insinuated that kink was abnormal, and that speculating about others' motives especially in combination with the question of healthiness was rude and patronising. I can see where Pandora is coming from and I agree that certain questions can be loaded.

Now first of all, the intention of my post was not to ask why someone is / became kinky. It was about how people use kinky play and why some people's kinky fantasies might be different from others. But frankly, I wouldn't mind asking about why people are kinky in the first place as well. Because for me being kinky is neither good nor bad, it is just a sexual preference which is unusual in the sense that it applies only to a statistical minority of people. I don't know why I am kinky and I think it wouldn't make a big difference if I knew, but I am curious and I wouldn't mind exploring the subject.

I agree with Pandora that one must be very careful when exploring subjects like these. But I don't think that declaring certain questions a taboo area can ever be a good thing. When I wrote my Kaelah's Corner post, I tried to be very careful by always talking about my personal observations and how things seemed to me, rather than making blunt assertions. And I openly asked whether others had made different experiences which contradicted mine.

I am aware that it is difficult to speculate about other people's motives and about the power dynamics between others, and that one should be careful about making generalisations. As Abel pointed out, there are all kinds of kinky people and kinky relationships and there is a lot of variety. But first of all, I think that understanding other people's motives is essential for human beings, and secondly, to my mind, it is possible to make well-founded assumptions based on what people have said about themselves in combination with observable behaviour. These assumptions can then be used for asking others about their opinions and experiences and learning from them.

I have to admit that I am very critical about any form of restriction of freedom of speech, especially when it is said that certain questions should not be raised because these questions could be used to portray the community or society which they concern in a negative way. To my mind, asking a question can never be as dangerous (as long as it is a real question and as long as it is asked carefully) as prohibiting open discussion.

I also don't think that asking questions causes prejudices. Rather, I think that it gives us the chance to diminish them. After all, if different points of view are mentioned openly and honestly, people have a chance to learn about them and to adjust their point of view in case they come across arguments they hadn't thought of. That is why, to my mind, it can even be very useful to talk about one's prejudices and where they come from. I'll do so in my next Kaelah's Corner post which will focus on the power dynamics of kinky relationships, because that was the topic that led to the most vivid discussion after my last post.

Today, I would like to close with some thoughts about the topic of physical self-harm, though, because the comments on my last post made me look at this aspect from a completely new perspective. My personal assumption about kink and physical self-harm had been that the explanation why I had been confronted with that topic more often in the kinky community than in my vanilla environment was at least partly based on the general difference between the kinky and the vanilla people whom I know and a certain openness about these things in the kinky community.

I wasn't sure whether there was any further correlation between self-harm and kink at all. The only idea that I had was that spanking might cause a similar feeling of relief as self-harm and that it therefore could possibly be used as a healthy substitute for self-harming activities. Georgia's comment seemed to support that idea because she pointed out that while from her experience self-harm and kink were based on very different desires, she could achieve the same kind of high and relaxation from both of them.

Pandora's and Prefectdt's comments then gave a for me completely unexpected explanation for a possible correlation between kink and self-harm. Pandora wrote about having used self-harm as a child, when she didn't know how to interpret her erotic masochistic desires, yet. And Prefectdt had tried self-harm as a substitute at times when he didn't have the possibility to share spanking play with others. It didn't work in his case which Prefectdt traced back to the difference between the male and the female body chemicals. I'm not sure about this additional idea, but to my mind it might also have to do with the fact that the important part of sharing the experience was missing?!

Of course, these are just isolated personal experiences which don't allow any general conclusions. But I found these comments very interesting nonetheless. Although I had of course come across the topic of self-spanking, it never occurred to me that some self-harming experiences in the kinky community could be results of attempts to substitute erotic spanking experiences!

In my view, the chance of getting new ideas and insights like this one is worth the risk of writing about controversial topics / observations and the questions they raise. And I would like to thank everyone who shared their thoughts and personal experiences so openly and honestly. Of course your thoughts about today's topic are very welcome as well!

Shopping for Whips

 

(With our new toys. Kaelah also bought a corset.)

A month ago, Kaelah and I visited the annual BoundCon fetish convention here in Munich. My last extended visit to the convention had been back in 2008. We only stayed for an hour or so the next year because I was ill, and in 2010 we were not in town at the time. So this really was the first opportunity to go in some years. We used it to say hello to our friends from SM-Circus, who had their own booth at BoundCon as they do every year, and to do a bit of shopping. I will write more about the current state of the circus in my next post and tell you about the shopping today.

As an opening remark, a bit of self-demystification: my spanking implement collection is much smaller than most of you probably think it is. It can't even begin to compete with the treasure troves of some of the true hoarders out there, like Abel and Haron, for instance. I have a pretty decent collection of canes, but not much else. One crop, one (leather) paddle, and until BoundCon 2011, one flogger - that's it. Actually, the collection is quite sufficient for what Kaelah and I are doing most of the time. Add the ever-versatile hand as an implement, and maybe a switch from the outdoors, and you can do a fairly elaborate scene in terms of the spanking instruments used. But we had both been yearning for a bit more variety lately, and BoundCon was a good place to look.

Kaelah, in particular, finally wanted to have a "nice flogger" in our collection. The only one we had so far, a wicked little thing with a metal handle and heavy rubber tails, is anything but nice. Many are the times when Kaelah wrote here about how much she hates that implement, to my considerable mirth, and yours too, no doubt. But lest we forget, she got her revenge by using it on me during the still-to-be-published FF/M scene we did with Leia-Ann Woods, drawing a little bit of blood in the process. Also during that scene, we got to try out some of Leia-Ann's implements on the side, including one flogger which Kaelah liked a lot: larger than ours, but with softer tails, it literally made her purr. She wanted one just like that!

We found it at BoundCon. Perhaps not exactly the same model we tried out at Leia-Ann's, but very similar. A few lashes on Kaelah's clothed bottom and back convinced her that this was the nice flogger she had been looking for - the advantage of shopping at a kinky convention (instead of, say, a shop for riding equipment) is that you can try out implements on your partner without raising an eyebrow. I like the flogger a lot myself. It is heavy enough to produce a non-trivial amount of pain when used hard, but without being as brutal as the "nasty" one, so it is ideally suited for spankings of light to medium severity and for longer, sensuous whipping of various parts of the body. Kaelah already wrote about one scene where we used it under the apt title Kinky Wellness Session.

We also bought a single tail whip at BoundCon, which was my wish. I would say that single tails are my favourite implements aside from canes. As with canes, they are perfect for judicial-type scenes, they have a similar "aura" and I just love the marks they produce. So it might seem surprising that I never owned a single tail until now. But they are difficult to use, even more so than canes, and I obviously would not want to use one without feeling perfectly safe with it. In my first years as a top, my main focus in regards to implements was on mastering the cane. You can see the progress I made when you compare my performance in The German Lesson (not exactly crap, but still rather hit and miss) with the later caning scenes I did with Kaelah or as a guest top at Mood (not a stray stroke, despite the much higher severity). Now that I feel reasonably proficient with the cane, I am ready to take on a new challenge, so I finally got myself a single tail.

I chose a short species of single tail, some 90 cm (3 feet) in length. A bullwhip would have been too ambitious a challenge to start with, and besides, I would not even know where to practice with such a monster at the present time - certainly not indoors. The 3 foot single tail is already fairly tricky to handle and hurts like hell. I only really see us using it in video clips or in rare, special scenes in private, because the pain and the marks it produces are considerable higher than what you aim for in casual play.

If you feel like it, leave a comment and tell us about your own implement collection. How big is it and which items are you most infatuated with? Did you obtain any exciting additions lately?

Kinky Wellness Session

The recent weeks have been rather stressful and it looks like our life is going to stay like that for quite a while. But luckily sometimes there is room for some relaxation as well. On a particularly stressful day Ludwig promised me a little wellness session before bedtime. I had a meeting on a very dry subject that evening which of course lasted longer than originally planned. So, I was already quite tired when I arrived back home, but still looking forward to what Ludwig had in store for me.

In the bedroom Ludwig told me to strip, to position myself at the end of the bed and to bend over. I eagerly did as he had told me. Ludwig started juggling with numbers, threatening me with the perspective of a very intense spanking. His idea was to give me a square number of strokes, using x implements and giving me x strokes with each of them. I think the number he threatened me with was 33 implements and 33 strokes with each of them.

The only problem: To me his threat rather sounded like a wonderful promise. Yep, I know, I'm a very sick girl... The only thing I wondered was whether we would find 33 different implements. But I guess if we had used all the pervertibles that one can find in the kitchen, bath room and cellar, it would have been possible to reach that number. Although this would most probably have meant using all the different canes we have...

Well, after having realised that 33 squared is more than 1,000, Ludwig refrained from his plan, anyway. After all, this was supposed to be a “nice” spanking. So, he simply started out with a handspanking instead, followed by a flogging. Yes, we finally own a “nice” flogger! We bought it at the BounCon convention a few weeks ago (report will follow soon). I melted under the strokes that rained down on my back and my bottom and could have gone on forever. But Ludwig decided to change from spanking to different forms of touch instead. That man definitely knows how to touch me and how to bring me to wonderful highs! Afterwards, he allowed me to get out of position, and I collapsed on the bed.

But it wasn't over, yet. I was rubbed in with massage oil and Ludwig gave me a heavenly massage. While my reactions during spankings are usually rather restrained, I can become quite vocal during a massage or a tickling / gentle scratching. If I were a millionaire, I would definitely spend money on regular massages! And why haven't I ever seen any adverts from professional ticklers / scratchers? I'm sure there must be other people in this universe who enjoy tickling / gentle scratching as much as I do?! Well, or maybe all of these people have great partners like Ludwig and therefore don't need a professional tickler / scratcher?

However, I was melting under Ludwig's hands and drifted away into la la land. When he was done, Ludwig looked at my naked body which still shimmered from the massage oil. “This would be a good time for a caning”, he said, “the oil makes the skin very soft which means that it doesn't break that easily.” I turned around and gave Ludwig a very approving look, probably accompanied by some encouraging sound. His facial expression showed a bit of surprise. “You don't really want to be caned, do you?” he asked in a mildly incredulous tone of voice.

Obviously my reaction convinced him that I indeed wanted to be caned, though, because he ordered me to stand up and go back into position. I didn't know whether it really was a good idea to ask for a caning, but I simply followed my instincts which told me that I wanted more. Ludwig chose a short, 8 mm thick peeled cane. It was clear that these wouldn't be love taps, actually Ludwig never hands out mere love taps with the cane.

Luckily, the strokes were only medium severe (on the “Ludwig severity scale”), though. But the warm-up from the earlier spanking had already faded and so – surprise, surprise – it hurt! I had no intention to be super-tough that day and showed my discomfort through wincing, hissing and also some moaning. So I guess that Ludwig at least had some sadistic joy that evening. He mercifully decided to make it only six of the best, though. After he had allowed me to get up, I looked into the mirror. Appreciating the red stripes on my bottom, I knew that the final six cane strokes had been exactly the right completion for my kinky wellness session.

Relaxed and happy I went to bed. We took a few pictures of my striped bottom and then switched off the lights and cuddled up to each other. Unfortunately, my whole good mood was completely destroyed the next day, but at least in that one special night I fell asleep completely contented and relaxed.