Am I a Masochist?

Do you remember when I told you that I wouldn't participate in any online discussions for a while? Well, how long did that resolution last? Hmm, maybe two weeks? But it wasn't my fault! You really can't blame me for the fact that Erica Scott writes such thought-provoking posts, can you? Luckily, this time the discussion was one of the interesting and absolutely positive ones. Because Erica has two clear rules on her blog: 1) Different opinions are always welcome. 2) Flame wars and rudeness towards other commenters are prohibited.

So, what was the discussion all about? It was about the definition of the word masochism and the question whether any of the readers consider themselves masochists. Most of the commenters agreed with Erica that they weren't masochists. In short, there were three main arguments for that point of view: 1) People who don't like to play very hard (= seek a high amount of pain) aren't masochistic. 2) Spanking is more about the headspace and the fantasies than about the pain for most people, so these spankees aren't real masochists. 3) A masochist would seek any form of pain at any time, the more the better. So, people who don't like pain in certain areas of their bodies (i.e. have no-play areas, like for example the breasts or the feet) and who hate forms of pain that don't have to do with spanking (like headaches) aren't masochistic.

There were different definitions and points of view, too, among them one that resonated very well with my definition, but they were the minority. In addition to masochism, other terms came up as well in the discussion like submission and bottom. Interestingly, many of the commenters seemed to have less issues with the term submissive, the term I always had the biggest issues with, while masochist seemed to have a very negative connotation for some of them. Some comments about more severe forms of play occurred, for example about these "masochistic" Russian girls who participate in the more severe films, about pictures of more severe marks that had scared some of the commenters and about possible risks of more severe play without a proper warm-up.

The comments weren't offensive, but they showed fears that were connected with more severe play. Obviously, for some commenters, the term masochism described a dangerous form of pain-seeking which showed in very severe and therefore possibly damaging forms of spanking play. Being someone who had issues with severe play myself and who has now made positive experiences with this form of play, I decided to enter the discussion and share some of my thoughts with the other readers.

I started with an overview of my definitions for the different terms that had been mentioned in the discussion:

First of all, I would like to distinguish between pathological sadism and affectionate erotic sadism. The former is the kind of sadism that for example some killers and rapists are diagnosed with. It's a mental dysfunction based on the fact that these people aren't able to feel any compassion and therefore enjoy torturing others. Of course, this is NOT what we are talking about in the context of erotic spanking at all! My definition for the erotic form of sadism is: An erotic sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain in a consensual (erotic) setting. Usually this goes along with affection for the “victim”.

I'm not sure whether there are two forms of masochism as well. Maybe one could say that the mental dysfunction that makes some people who feel completely numb need pain regularly in order to feel alive at all is a form of masochism, too. Again, this is not the form of masochism that plays a role in spanking play. My definition for the erotic form of masochism is: An erotic masochist is someone who enjoys receiving pain in a consensual (erotic) setting.

Given those two definitions, I consider myself to be both, a masochist and a sadist. Like Erica, I don't enjoy any form of non-erotic pain like headaches. I only play with people I trust, I usually prefer a certain amount of pain only and a warm-up, I've got certain no-spanking areas, I only enjoy the pain in combination with certain fantasies and so on. But still I think that I am a masochist because at least in combination with some of my fantasies mere love-taps don't do it for me (that was a point that had been made by another commenter, too). And I'm a sadist as well because when I switch I enjoy inflicting pain on someone who enjoys receiving it.

Concerning submission and domination: For me the former means that someone enjoys being controlled by another person (and giving in to that control) and the latter means to enjoy controlling another person. Concerning erotic play of course consent, respecting limits and so on are the framework for this power dynamics. I don't consider myself submissive or dominant in the context of my relationship or in the context of spanking play in general. But there are very special play scenarios (with my partner only) in which I can enjoy being submissive or being dominant.

And, last but not least: Top and bottom. For me, these terms only say something about the side on which someone likes to play. In my definition a bottom simply is someone who enjoys to be on the receiving end of a spanking (for whatever reason) and a top someone who enjoys being on the giving end. A switch enjoys both positions. According to that definition I'm a switch with a higher preference for playing on the bottom side.

I added a few words about severe play and health as well which I don't want to repeat here, as you all now my stance on that point. In case you don't, you can read more about my experiences in my recent post Healthy Severity. I also wrote a few sentences about how I see the connection between more severe forms of play and masochism. I would like to share those with you as well:

I am into more severe play from time to time and I know several people who are. Some of them have also made severe spanking films (for example for Lupus Pictures). But most of the people I know don't enjoy the pain during such a severe spanking at all, it's either about flying afterwards or about the experience of letting go.

As you know, I neither fly after a severe scene nor do I want to let go. For me it's all about my heroine fantasies and about combining both, a challenge and healthy play. While I can enjoy lighter forms of pain, though, the pain during a severe scene isn't enjoyable for me at all. When everything goes well, it's bearable, but joy is something different...

So, I would love to hear your definitions of the different terms! What do or don't you consider yourself to be? Have you got issues with any of the terms? And what do you think: Are people who play harder (from time to time) also the bigger masochists? Please feel free to share your thoughts in the comment section!